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Thursday, December 24, 2009

merry christmas

So this year has gone by so fast and so many things have happened, I started this blog and I started to find myself again I hope everyone has a Great holiday and a happy new year.
cant wait for the New Year!

24 Hours of a Christmas story all Christmas Eve  family tradition to watch it at least once every christmas

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Speaking out

(This is for my readers who are also survivors sometimes we need to just speak out)

In order to be healed survivors of rape and sexual abuse must come out of the isolation and hiding. It takes untold courage to open up; telling someone what happened to you can be frightening as often the pain of the violence removes also your ability to talk. Because rape is still considered a distasteful subject survivors of sexual abuse often suffer additional pain from the reactions of their friends and family. Their friends may be distant, minimize their pain or may even avoid them. People don't like discussing the subject of rape and may try to distance themselves from the event by blaming the victim. Perhaps they feel that if they can somehow place the blame on the victim, they will be invulnerable to rape themselves.

We are not taught how to deal with people that experience being victimized and most people do not speak out about rape for many years.
Don't Let Them Silence You
Often unintentionally upsetting comments are made by friends or relatives, those closest to you and whose opinion you value the most. Some people may tell you that you should stop feeling sorry for your self, or that you are not being positive. Maybe they can't see any reason why you should be depressed and think that you can just snap out of it. If you had to deal with these kinds of reactions you know how hurtful it is, you wish the ground could open up and swallow you. Whenever this happens, please take a long breath and remember that they are the ones with a problem, not you. Don't let them silence you. They simply don't understand because they've never had to deal with it.

Most survivors had to learn on their own how not to let what others say or do affect them in a negative way. In time, you may also come to realize that most people don’t intentionally mean to hurt you with their words. Some of them are just unprepared to deal with such sensitive and emotive issue and say things without considering the implications of their words or the deep impact that their comments could have on you.

Sure, some people's reaction is bound to hurt you but this doesn’t mean that you should give up on the idea of finding support and understanding in others. There are people out there who do understand. Finding comfort and support in a friend can touch your soul in a way that words can barely express. These kinds of friends are priceless. Just be cautious about who you confide in and reveal sensitive details to. Tell some one who you feel will be there for you, understand and support you. Breaking the silence it's the first step to recovery. Every time you break the silence and trust someone, you are one step farther in your recovery journey.
Remember, you did nothing wrong. Don't be silent. Speak.


Wednesday, December 16, 2009

what have you done not done

If you have a blog, the idea is to copy it on to your blog and put an asterisk* next to each thing you have done. OR just leave a list in my comments. If you do it on your own blog please let us know.

*1. Started your own blog
*2. Slept under the stars
*3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
*5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyworld (does Disneyland count?)
*8. Climbed a mountain
*9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
*13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
*14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
*16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
*18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
*21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
*23. Taken a sick day when you're not ill
24. Built a snow fort
*25. Held a lamb
*26. Gone skinny dipping
*27. Run a marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
*29. Seen a total eclipse
*30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
*31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
*35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
*37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
*39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo's David
*41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
*45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
*47. Had your portrait painted - drawn I think that counts!
*48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
*51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
*52. Kissed in the rain
*53. Played in the mud
*54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
*58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
*62. Gone whale watching
*63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
*69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
*71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired/laid off from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
*78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
*84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
*88. Had chickenpox
*89. Saved someone's life
90. Sat on a jury
*91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
*93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
*95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
*97. Been involved in a law suit
*98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Seen Mount Rushmore in person
*101. Learned to play an instrument
102. Kissed the Blarney Stone
103. Ridden a camel
104. Been arrested (but not convicted!)
105. Visited someone in jail
*106. Flown a Kite
*107. Been surfing
*108. Had a broken heart
*109. Wished on a star
110. Fell off a horse

Sunday, December 13, 2009

one step taken

I finished filling out the impact form it took alot of effort but I got it all down thanks for the suggestions Barbara and LceeL they really helped i'll post the finished copy in a little bit once I get it all typed out...
having a bit of a tough time right now, my mom got a call about her mamogram result and there maybe something wrong I HOPE so badly there is not, but breast cancer runs in the family my moms mom had it, but got cured. keeping my fingers crossed and even though im not a religous person I know my mom is so im praying for her.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

This weekend

This Weeken I'm supposed to fill out my Victim Impact Statement. Basically stating how all of this has affected my family and I and what I wouls like to suggest as sentencing. I know what I want to say my I can't figure out how to start it yet. It's important though so I really need to get it down.

If any one has any expierence in writing this out or filling out one of these statements or just a suggestion on how to go about it, it would be greatly appreciated!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Just thoughts written out...

I try really hard to not think about him unless absolutely necessary, but it is hard not to. Last year around this time ( October to march) wasn’t as hard to get by with. But as more time passes it’s like it starts to sink in more and I realize that there is no way to go back. It’s as if there isn’t a month free from reminders, to many things happened over that span of time. I want a break. I don’t want my mind to be trapped, its just that something always seems to trigger a buried memory and I’m back to it. This time of year causes triggers to rear their ugly heads and disturb the peacefulness that never seem to have the chance to stay.

These are the thoughts I’ve been needing and wanting to get out.

Another fear keeps on clouding my thoughts and I don’t know if it will come to light. This has been in my mind since the beginning, what happens when I fall for a guy that doesn’t know what I’ve been through. I know it makes me who I am. I understand that some people may not get that the pain of my past isn’t me, my reaction my decision on how to deal with that pain well that IS ME. What if I cant find some one that truly excepts that and wants me past and all. Should I even risk telling some one due to what their reaction might be. This is a stupid irrational fear I know. But it is a fear just the same. Maybe someday some one or something will cause me to rid my mind of this fear. I just want some one to prove that I’m wrong, that it’s not going to be hard to find that guy, the guy that doesn’t mid and actually understands.

Right now I know times are tough but I know it has to pass, and I know my doubts will pass along with it.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Happy Thanksgiving...

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone. Its not really the time of year that I enjoy but I am thankful for many things.
Im thankful for My Family, my twin sister for being so close when I need her, my dad for understanding everything and my mom little sis and brother for staying.
Im thankful for the justice system (though it moves so slow)
Im thankful for forgivness and understanding.
For the people that read this blog.
For the friends ive made, for the people that have been in my shoes they give me hope.
for the kindness of people ive never met (thanks Barbara)
for the ability to change and turn my life around.
for the want to change.
there are so many more things but I can list them all.

What are you thankful for?

Saturday, November 21, 2009

blogger award

The rules are as follows:

1. Thank whoever gave this to you

2. Copy award

3. Post it in your blog

4. Tell us 7 things that your readers don’t know about you

5. Link 7 new bloggers

6. Notify winners of the award with a comment on their blog

7. Keep being awesome!

Thanks to Barbara for giving this to me i'd like to pass it on to...

Two Hours before
Dad And Mom
Syeera _ No link

lets see 7 things people dont know about me

1. Most of my followers probably don't know that im a twin.
2. I love meeting new people and talking to them and sharing points of view if you want to share just say something.
3. I owe how strong I am today to some people On this website thanks Barbara.
4. I spend most of my time dirt bike riding and in the desert.
5. I wouldn't be as understanding of a person if it wasn't for the shit ive had to deal with in my past.
6. I have a messed up knee that gives out at random times mostly when im going up the stairs I also have several concentrations of calcified blood in my shin.
7. I had a cervical cancer/ HPV scare and it really changed my out look on how I live my life( thank god im okay now)

Friday, November 20, 2009

Rape victim bill of rights

found this on a site

the rape victim(survivor) bill of rights

As a Matter of Personal AUTHORITY, You Have the Right ... manage your life according to your own values and judgment direct your recovery, answerable to no one for your goals, effort, or progress gather information to make intelligent decisions about your recovery seek help from a variety of sources, unhindered by demands for exclusivity decline help from anyone without having to justify the decision have faith in your powers of self restoration -- and to seek allies who share it trust allies in healing as much as any adult can trust another, but no more be afraid and to avoid what frightens you decide for yourself whether, when, and where to confront your fear learn by experimenting, that is, to make mistakes.

For the Preservation of Personal BOUNDARIES, You Have the Right ... be touched only with your permission, and only in ways that are comfortable choose to speak or remain silent, about any topic or at any moment choose to accept or decline feedback, suggestions, or interpretations ask for help in healing, without having to accept help with work, play, or love challenge any crossing of your boundaries take appropriate action to end any trespass that does not cease when challenged.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

I was just thinking...

I want to get to that point again were my parents have complete trust in me, I know they have no reason for them to trust me except for the fact that I have changed and I wnat them to understand thatits been 2 years I want to get to that point but I understand they may need more time. It is just so hard to have the ones you care about the most look at you in that way. I hope it turns around my dad has excepted it more thanmy mom I wnat her to get to that point...

just thinking about it all right now kind of tough to take it in its just so heavy.

Friday, November 13, 2009

another NOT TRIAL

Trial got postponed today again till January 8th lets hope somthing happens next time
the court system sucks and im so pissed about all of this to many thoughts right now to even write right now...

Monday, November 9, 2009


This week should be really busy and crazy on friday the 13th there is going to be another trial, but Barbara said shed go and be my ears again so massive loads of thanks!!
and this sunday the 15th is my Birthday so at least I have that to look forward to going to disneyland and truning 17. its crazy when you think about how much time has actually passed since all of that happened...
I'm going to try and keep it a good week.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Questions For You...

hey everyone so this blog is to let everyone know and understand how I deal and cope with all of this shit.

My question for all of you are,
How do you guys deal with your problems and your past what are your coping strategies I'd love to have everyone share there stories and how they cope.

so come on and share!!


Saturday, October 31, 2009


so this was the night not last halloween but the one before that this is when it all happened its crazy to think about I mean its been over a year,  in march it will be two years its good but all that means is im going to have to go through alot more anniverseries like the night we met,the first time we had sex, the day he asked me to be his girlfriend, the day he got caught, and the day he was arrested, the day the newspaper article was released, and hopefully one day the day he was sentenced to jail....

its halloween though so at least alot will be going on to take my mind away from all of this.

All of you have a HAPPY HALLOWEEN!


Friday, October 23, 2009


Not feeling to well today its partially because im sick and also because yesterday was horrible I don't know what happened but I just let down my guard and let all of these thoughts come flooding back im collecting it all back but its getting hard. I keep on thinking what would have happened if he didn't get caught would I still be stuck in his lies not knowing any better. I don't know where these thoughts are exactley coming from but its making me feel sick. hopefully this weekend will be a good recovery emotionaly and physically. I've just got to build it all back up, and im going to be fine im pretty sure of it.


Saturday, October 17, 2009

not stressing out

Yesterday my sister was talking to me about how she was stressing out about some class and she couldn't stop thinking about it. Then she told me I can't believ how youv'e dealt with all of this thats going on with you with out losing it, like she couldn't believe it wasn't on my mind all the time and that I was actually able to sleep. I guess for her even the littlest thing makes her loose grasp on everything else. She was telling me that if she was in my shoes she wouldn't be able to handle it.
I know that for my sister and everyone else in my immediate family it must be hard dealing with all of this even just second hand. Im glad that ive found the strength and people to get me through this i'm strong and im going to be even stronger when this ends just wait and see.

Sometimes it's the people that have gone through there lives expeirencing all the shit that no one thinks will ever happen, Some times these people with the tough life expierence are the ,most unbreakable people you will ever meet. Im going to be one of those people and im going to help others get there.

It can be hard to cope sometimes but when I feel myself slipping I think of my sister and what she said that she cant believe how strong I am and it reminds me to h ld on because I WANT TO STAY THAT UNBELIEVABLE PERSON.

Friday, October 2, 2009

today was another "trial"

but it got  postponed again...

thanks so much to Barbara (Layla) for going to be my eyes it ment alot you really are a true friend even though I havent met you in person...

i'll post Barbara's findings and notes on here  so here they are....
VVVthis is the email she sent me about the trialVVV

I wish I had more to tell you on this, it was another one of those quick things before a judge to post-pone it AGAIN. This time to Nov. 13 (I think, maybe 12 - I wrote it down).
I'll just give you the play by play:
I arrive to the courtroom, its huge compared to the one Keven appears in. I find a seat on the side that allows me to be close to the action and to be able to see everyone in the room. I try to pick him out, having only a vague idea of what he looks like. None of the men in their looked like they could be him, one guy was close so I kept watching him but it was not him.
Somehow David slipped in when I was not looking and sat two rows in front of me. I knew it was him because his attorney came up and INTRODUCED himself which means its a NEW attorney....strange but doesn't necessarily mean anything.
Ok, I have to say this: he is very cute and looked VERY YOUNG. There is no way on earth I would have thought he was over 25 tops! He was wearing a brown tweed jacket and beige dress pants.
When his name was called the attorney asked for a coninuance of the pre-trial and that was it. I was so disappointed. BUT...
I followed them out of the courtroom. I got out my cell phone (which was off) and pretended to be listening to voice mails while pacing back and forth about two feet in front of them as they sat on a bench and talked. I couldn't believe I had the guts to do that but I was determined and lots of people step into the hall to use their phone. Unfortunately it was so NOISY I could only pick up a few words and phrases and from that this is what I learned:
They are going to try and plea some sort of mental or psychological problem that caused him to have this behavior to get him off the hook. I know, it made me want to take off my shoe and smack him in the face with the heel end.
I heard him ask "is she calling you?" and assumed he meant you but am not sure. David's voice was much quieter than the lawyer (old guy) so I could not hear anything he said, only one side of the conversation.
I heard the attorney asking him about his counseling appointments and he said something like "i don't like the idea that your seeing a psychologist, a psychiatrist would be better I suggest you get on that right away". I also heard the attorney say "sure, if you want to bring your family with you that always looks good". I am not sure if he meant wife and kids or parents because a few minutes later when the talk was over David's dad and mom came over and introduced themselves to the attorney.
I was dying to follow them as they walked out but that would have been too much cause David started to look nervous that this woman (me) was pacing around in front of him. I did walk down the other set of stairs in hopes of casually running into them again. I will have to wear a disguise next time in case he remembers me as the "lurking woman" (I doubt he will).
I am sorry there is not more to tell but it was a brief conversation and I could only pull out words.

ill continue to keep all of you reading this posted if you are interested
thanks for reading



Sunday, September 27, 2009


the next pre trial is coming up, on October 2nd to be exact. around this  time I start to get really nervous and easily angry I already have some what of an anger issue which I will admit , and usually I can control it. but around this t ime I have so much going on in my head its hard to keep it in check.
Ive been quitting smoking recently which is very hard because everytime another trial comes up I break it and have one. its probably not the best idea to quit in such a stressful situation but I only smoke on the days of the trials now so at least im improving...
dam I could go for a cigarette right now, anyways he's pleaded not guilty on all acts for the first 2 trials so I don't know whats going to happen in this one, probably the prosecuter will start  releasing the evidence to the court.  I haven't gone to court I want to so that I can say all that happened and help in putting him away. but I don't think they will have me testify unless it is taken to a jury.
I feel a bit stronger knowing that at least the court system is moving along no matter how slowly its moving.

when I find out more ill keep you all updated, thanks for reading I feel good knowing theres people out there who want to listen.


Monday, September 21, 2009

Nightmares (triggers!)

Warning the following stories are very graphic and may cause triggers.

These nightmares are significant to me because I never remember dream but I remember these to the very last detail…

Its really incredible how you mind can create these fictional stories or nightmares that can hurt you physically mentally, it truly is mind over matter. Who better to know your fears or how to hurt you the most then you yourself…
It had to be the absolutely the worst dream ever- aside from the one similar to it- Brian and I were walking down some remote street on a worn cracked side walk- I was telling Brian that he had been right Dave was a creeper. Dave’s voice came out of no where “Hey Gorgeous” “ I missed you” then Dave jumped onto Brian Cussing at him and then and stabbing him as he did, then he stood “ I never like you with him” I made a move to run but he wouldn’t have it, he was on top of me. As he had been so many times before, except I had changed I dint want it. Out of no where we were in a car such a familiar place for us to have done it, instead of leather seats cushioning everything felt rock hard a cold metal death trap, a prison. He acted like he always had, same as before I knew his secrets.
“ I love you- I want you so bad Carrie- you feel so good” harder thrusts, sweating he pulled back with a slightly sinicle smile. He kissed my lips gently “ I love you babe” then he killed me same as he had done to Brian. My cries were muffled with the sounds of his cursing , interrupted by mutters of “ gorgeous”.

I woke up sick to my stomach that was the same night I had found all of this out the night it all came to light. I couldn’t sleep at all after that, from 1 am till 6am I cried silently , angrily and non stop

So I though I had gotten over it the calmness made me blind, I had another dream not as gruesome as the first but some how it hurt worse.

I was in a car I had no Idea who was driving and it seemed like no one else was there, a white car drove next to us the only to cars on the road. Inside the other car I saw Dave, as if nothing was wrong no case, no jail time nothing he wore a black shirt with purple pinstripes and sunglasses what had been my favorite outfit of his, some how it fit so perfectly in my mind. In the passenger seat was a girl about 3 or 4 years old dark brown hair and blue eyes like his. I heard myself screaming “ he has a kid” tears of panic streamed down my face burning as they fell this was my worst fear realized. I had contributed to ruining his life so what he in some ways deserved it , but a child would never fully understand what had happened.

The dream caused my body to ache I woke from it cheeks wet I had been crying a real response to the fake story my mind had created to hurt me. Once again I lay awake crying till 6 that morning the rest of the day I felt nothing but numb aching pain.


Friday, September 18, 2009


this weekend im going to post the nightmare Ihad the same night all of this came to light its going to be graffic but its important, I never remeber my dreams but this nightmare along with one another have stuck in my mind in great detail, so stay tuned to hear it...

Thursday, September 10, 2009

first day of senior year

wow first day of senior year it was crazy but im glad school started itll keep my mind occupied and stop me from thinking about all of this shit all of the time. it was great seeing how different everyone looks from just not seeing them for the summer, itll be a good year.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Regret I do have it

this is a response to a comment that some one posted and id liek to clear up,


I live with the results of my mistake everyday there isnt a day that goes by were I dont regret what happended and how I let it happen and agreed for it to happen, but ive learned regreting it isnt going to change anything its just going to keep my life on hold and I want to get past that point, yes I understand that I agreed im sorry that I ever did... But regreting every mistake is a waste of time and a burden on me.

Sunday, September 6, 2009


I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, I wish I didn’t but I do.

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and look out the window expecting to see his car out there like it used to be, when I wake up in the middle of the night from honking I panic I feel like its him but of course its not its just the neighbors. I get this kind of flushed feeling when I see a silver mustang convertible ( his car) only the silver ones do this to me my heart start beating so freakin fast, I hate that car that car is way to common. And sometimes I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach it only happens in places I went with him and it only happens when I think I see him its never actually him but the fears still there. Subconsciously I know that chances are slim that im ever going to see him and chances are even slimmer that he’s going to do anything to me, but the fear is still there churning at the bottom of my stomach. Its gotten better I used to not be able to walk past this one store without completely losing it im a strong person but sometimes this stuff gets to me I’m learning to control it I don’t want it to interfere with my life.


I found this quote and hey its true for everyone


Winged Quote


Saturday, September 5, 2009

heres the article from the paper about it my guy was DAVID COURTNEY BROWN

3 O.C. men arrested in child sex crimes cases
Task force investigating crimes against children announces arrests.
Comments 68 Recommend 14
SANTA ANA – Three Orange County men have been arrested on suspicion of sex crimes involving minors.
The Sexual Assault Felony Enforcement team, or SAFE, a multi-agency task force that investigates crimes against children, announced this morning the arrest of David Brown, 34, of Lake Forest; Richard Chaney, 23, Costa Mesa; and Brock Jackson, 21, of Rancho Santa Margarita.
Brown is accused of having a four-month-long sexual relationship with a 15-year-old girl he met online.
Chaney is accused of having a 14-year-old girl engage in live video sex acts, and of later having sex with her. He is also accused of raping another woman who was unconscious.Jackson is accused of possessing hundreds of videos and about 6,000 images of child pornography.
Chaney and Jackson are being charged in federal court.
Brown is being charged in Orange County Superior Court sex acts with a minor. He surrendered to authorities Wednesday, and is free on a $100,000 bail bond.
Brown came to the attention of law enforcement after he was found on a high school campus trying to talk to the girl, officials said. The investigation found that Brown had portrayed himself as a 22-year-old on a social networking Web site, and used the Internet to chat with high school girls, police said.
Chaney was arrested June 5 after the mother of a 14-year-old girl told authorities that her daughter had performed sexual acts in front of her Webcam for Chaney, and that Chaney had later slept with her, officials said.
A search of Chaney's apartment uncovered a video of him having sex with an unconscious woman, said David Baroway, a special agent supervisor with the California Department of Justice.
Baroway said there were also other illegal videos in the apartment, but declined to say whether they involved Chaney.
In December 2008, Fullerton police were investigating a vehicle theft, and discovered that the man they suspected in that crime, Jackson, had child pornography on his computer, Baroway said.
The hundreds of videos and roughly 6,000 photos of child pornography included images of children who were "very, very young," Baroway said.
Jackson was arrested this morning by the Fullerton Police Department.
Authorities released photos of Brown and Chaney in hopes that any possible victims would contact them. The SAFE team can be reached at its FBI offices at 714-542-8825 or 310-477-6565.
The SAFE team comprises investigators from multiple federal and state agencies, district attorney's offices and police and sheriff's departments. The team is funded, housed, and operated by the FBI.
The arrests were announced this morning at a news conference at the Orange County Sheriff’s Department


Okay I am ready to do this. Get this out there here’s the full story.
It happened when I was 15. It started with my sister being friended on myspace by some guy we didn’t know, but we agreed to meet him around the lake by our house, when we met him my sister and him didn’t really seem to hit it off, but he and I did (probably because I get along with just about everyone) I had called the guy I was seeing at the time who I will for privacy sake call Brian, anyways we all hung out around the lake drinking with me sitting between Brians legs. It got later and my sister and I had to go, A couple of days later I got A friend request from him his name is Dave, Telling me how he had a great time talking to me and how much he liked me, that he was jealous watching Brian and I flirt that day. So then I started seeing Dave, I would sneak out of my house almost every night, he brought me flowers that fist night and that second night we had sex.
We started getting really close after that wed always find a way to talk or see each other, I would ditch school and call him to come and get me. Then he and I would drive around sometimes stopping to hook up or go places like the mall.
Then came Christmas I remember exactly what he gave me a bottle of jack daniels, a zippo, and a nug f weed. All of this kept going on through the months after Christmas, some times he would call me and tell me he was going to stop by my school at lunch and I would meet him and blow off the rest of my classes to take a long lunch ( which never consisted of lunch just of us hooking up) wed have a quickee , and on most days I would get to school early in the morning and meet him in the plaza by my school, we would usually have sex or something of that nature then he would drive me to school usually in time to be a half an hour late to my first class. This went on through Valentines day (which included another exchange of alcohol and cigarettes, along with flowers and a balloon)
Any ways then came March, this was THE month. Dace came to my school at lunch with out calling me to tell me so I had no idea, my friend pointed him out and was like “ Hey isn’t that your boyfriend”. he came over and kissed me then a campus security guard drove up and brought him to the office ( you cant be on campus with out a pass). They questioned him, and my friend and I were hiding down the hall from the office I started crying blaming myself that he was going to get in trouble. Then in my class after lunch some one from the office came and got me she asked me how old I though he was I replied 22 she said well your going to be surprised I asked her what she meant she told me he was 31.
My heart fell in to my stomach and bile rose in my throat. They had me wait in the office and my dad came they had the sheriff call Daves cell phone ( he had been released because they didn’t have anything to keep him for yet) the sheriff told him that I didn’t want to see him again and to stay away from me and that he would personally go after him if he didn’t. after that the told me what they had found out.
He was 31, 31 and married, it turns out he lived about 3 or 4 blocks away from my house in some apartments. The sheriff asked me all the standard questions then let me go home he later came tom my house to pick up my computer to find evidence. The next day at school I had to talk to an investigator I told him everything in even more detail then what I am saying now. In the days to follow we would be updated they broke down his door and arrested him, they found over 40 hard drives in his house ( which led them to believe he was involved in child porn). When they arrested him he waived his right to be silent and told them what ever I said he did he did.
Its more than a year later trials are still going on he’s out at the moment on bail which is a terrifying thought. At the moment he is pleading not guilty to every charge…
Well that’s it that pretty much my story it took so much for me to write this all down, and someday maybe I can share what im going through now at the moment the nightmares and the post traumatic stress, but for now im proud of getting myself this far…

Friday, September 4, 2009


im starting this blog do get it all out all the shit thats happend in my life and it needs to be said from rape to drugs to alcohol i want to start sharing and hopefully itll help, hopefully itll help others that read this...