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Friday, December 24, 2010

  I Hope everyone has a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.  It's insane to think how much has  changed over the year all for the better, I couldnt really ask for more this year. looking forward to the next year and seeing whats in store for me.
 Watching a Christmas Story as always this christmas eve.
     What are some of your Holiday Traditions?
      Have a safe Holiday everyone!

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Happy Turkey Day

Thanksgiving 1

Happy Thanksgiving!
I'm thankful for...
My family and friends
my boyfriend who is the greatest person ever.
being able to move on.
all the friends ive made from blogging
my family staying around
for my dad never viewing me differently
for the fact that my dad made sure I could afford college
for making it this far.
funny thanskgiving

Monday, November 8, 2010

an essay i wrote about an event in my life

My Not So Straight and Narrow Path

Looking back I can pin point the exact moment where I what little control I had of my life. Most people would say it was that first beer when I twelve years old, but I know better than that. That first beer didn’t send me into a corkscrew of bad decisions. It just left me unstable like a Jenga tower about to fall waiting for that next false move. It started with a guy named Brad. He was the kind of person whose personality radiated from him whether it was on those rare occasions where he was able to keep his mouth shut, or when he was actually talking.

There was no way for him to tone down his personality. No matter how hard he tried, there was always something different about him that had to stand out. Physically, Brad was very tall and skinny but muscular, with the kind of body frame that couldn’t keep on weight. Across his stomach was a long deep scar from a drunken car crash on Ortega that had left him in a coma for a week. He was twenty five years old, but at the most looked as though he was eighteen. He had the ability to charm anyone and everyone; I guess that must have been how I got wrapped up in all of this with him. How I met Brad was simple enough, but sometimes the simple things change your life the most. He was a friend of a friend, just someone who happened to be there one night when we were fishing around the lake. It was two in the morning and really too dark for me to see his face, then he stepped into the light and that was when his magnetism took hold. We left our friends and went back to his house. Along the way we filled silences with idle chit chat like “Wow, I didn’t know that Luke had any girls willing to hang out with him” and me responding with “ Well I guess he’s not too bad of a guy…. Sometimes…” We laughed most of the walk, making jokes at our mutual friend’s expenses. When we arrived at his house, we let ourselves into the backyard and out of a tall, worn garden shed with a rusty make shift lock he pulled out a carton of beer and a bong. He nodded at the stash he held in his hand and then nodded at me as if to say “are you up for this?” Not wanting him to think of me any differently, I said “Yeah, of course I am. Are you sure you can handle this with me, though?” He laughed in response, and said “You seem like your full of trouble” and I thought to myself “if you only knew.”

We started with a cold can of Coors, each can sweating and reflecting the Christmas lights draped across the patio that had been neglected to be taken down although it was already July. One beer led to another and then those beers led a craving for a hard packed bowl, so we slowly began mingling sips of beer with hits from the bong. Our smoke mingled together becoming one before melting away into the crisp air. We parted ways after our provisions had dwindled down to nothing but backwash in warm cans and ash. We said goodbye to each other and made plans to hang out again really soon. I had always hated repetitive schedules but, for some reason, this didn’t seem repetitive to me. I had tricked my mind into thinking this was different even though like clockwork we would meet up. Slowly, though, instead of sticking with things being the way they were, I began to crave more, and everything else that should have been important fell to the wayside.

All I could focus on was the next time I could drink, and I did it at every opportunity available. Even if that meant ditching school or, if school wasn’t avoidable, just drinking at school and trying to hide it the best I could. Brad encouraged it, and I thought “if no one is unfavorable to my actions then there is no reason to stop because I must not be doing anything really truly wrong.” I was living in the denial of my own blissful, clouded mind. I never saw that my-not-so-straight-and-narrow-path wasn’t just taking a toll on me. It was changing how everyone around me saw me; people could tell something was wrong. The only friend I had left was Brad, if you could call someone who was promoting your downfall and making you reliant on them a friend. I was lost.

It took me so long to find myself an escape route from the rough road I had put myself on, nothing was able to pull me out of this fog of negativity. But eventually I found help in the people I had thought I the help came not from a bottle of beer but from the love and concern of friends and family. Just when I was completely lost they found me and in a way towed me back onto the paved road. All of this made me realize that alcohol not only affects the addict but everyone around them, alcohol is like an atomic bomb doing the most damage to the target but also damaging those in the same vicinity as the explosion.

Thursday, November 4, 2010


They say revenge is a dish best served cold, they also say revenge is sweet.... So... REVENGE MUST BE ICE CREAM!!!

Friday, September 24, 2010

just some quotes to get by...

"Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of any misfortune".William James"The last thing I want to be known as is 'The Girl Who Got Raped'. The big turn around you make in your head is from victim to survivor."

"You can't change what happened. And nobody's asking you to forgive. But you can't associate all men with violence."
"The sexual abuse and exploitation of children is one of the most vicious crimes conceivable, a violation of mankind's most basic duty to protect the innocent. "

James T. Walsh

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

I just know...

I believe and feel that a positive future can come from the expression of a negative past this is part of the healing process. I just know that there is the possibility of a time in one's life when gratitutde for the wrongs done to us and those we love is in order. this is not to say that I am happy with my losses. I have simply come to a place in my life where I can be thankful for the losses and troubled times I have been through, as well as the love-filled and magical times. the creative process of moving through the expierence of loss, and learning from such expierences, is where the gratitude for life and all experiences come from.

heres a great quote from Dave Navarro that has just been sticking with my thoughts latley VVV
" because if you think that you can affect my life and change it to ultimatley better my future and in turn yours, and then in turn the world, then whta your'e essentially saying is that your'e acting as a god. and i dont believe for a second that your'e acting as a god here on this earth. Be cause to touch my life and change my future is a power I don't believe you have. And if you do have it I dont wantto know anything about it because I want  my path to unfold on its own"- Dave Navarro

Friday, August 20, 2010

just thinking...

I remember when all of this came to light, and it was stressed that I should go see a psychiatrist. I never wanted to I thought to myself I don't need some one dissecting my actions and telling me why I did the things I did, so I never went and saw one. I look back now and I see that for me it was the best choice I could have made it allowed me to see who I was through my own eyes it made me deal with my own problems and caused me to reach out and meet other people that pulled me along through all of this. My thoughts always were a psychologist or psychiatrist can only take you so far the rest of the way you  need to find yourself, so I found that whole way not on my own but with the help of the people that I personally chose. In no way am I saying people shouldn't get help from a psychiatrist for there problems I am just sharing how i personally dealt with my situation and my ptsd, everyone is different but still in some way everyone needs to make the choice to continue their journey at some point on their own.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Just life going the way it should...

I havent posted in while I think it maybe because im actually doing really good right now, I odnt have any upsetting news that I need to get out I feel more released.
right now in my life everything is falling into place, my mom went through her 2nd shot of chemo 2 days ago and is doing good, only 2 more shots to go but they are spaced out so some time in october she will finally be done. as with me personally Im finally dating a guy that puts allt hose others to shame, a guy that makes me realize how I should be treated and makes me realize that no other guy has treated me properlly, ive found a guy that actually cares and loves me despite my flaws and my quirks, so im in a really good place right now, ill be sure to keep you all posted.

and heres a few questions for all of you reading this
- Whos made the most difference in your life?
-Most meaningfull quote to you?
-what have you overcome? and howd you do it?

“Rape's not something where you just go, "Well, get over it" or "Believe in love and peace, my child, and it'll all be over." Well, fuck you, that isn't the answer. It's a great thought, OK, but you can go and stick crystals up your butt and get on with it. I'm all for love and peace, but that's not the side I work on. If somebody would talk about it, or worse, joke about it, I would be ready to kill. That's not healing. It was a very long time after that before I was able to be with anyone again. And it has never been the same as it was before"- Tori Amos

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Dog's Eye View - Everything Falls Apart

right now...

So Its been 2 years since ive had a boyfriend, because those whole 2 years I spent focusing on my life and the trial. When I stopped looking all of a sudden this great guy popped into my life, I was so afraid to tell him about my past in fear that he wouldnt know how to handle it and he wouldnt like me because of it, but i told him and his reaction was all I could ever hope for. he told me that it doesnt change a thing, it just means that ive expierence a different kin dof life, and he said pasts liek that build character which must be why he likes me so much. So the fears I had been having about aguys reaction werent true in the least bit at least not when it came to him. Im just glad my life is being accepted and thing seem to be settling as normal as possible.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Its all over now!!

so the last trial he plead guilty and got 1 year at ocj 5 years probation and life time as a sex offender,
im so glad for this closure to happen right now, its like as soon as a I graduate high school at the end of this month  my whole life is going to be starting over and I cant wait for it.
Thanks to all of you that stuck by me and brought me up when everything else was pushing me down you guys are really what made me get through this.

Just because this is over doesnt mean Im going to stop posting on this blog, because the purpose of this bloh is for people to know that they can survive so ill keep everyone posted on my life from now on.
on that note my mom had her surgery for breast cancer a double masectomy and is doing great!!!

Once again thanks to all especially Barbara I really couldnt have gone through this all with out you youve pretty much renewed my faith in people :)
lots of love!!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

just more updates...

so Thursday the 27th is the plea date apparently if he pleas guilty then he will get a year in prison 6 months probation and life time registration as a sex offender, if he pleas not guilty then it goes to more trials, also on the 27th they are going to be reading my statement. so fingers crossed the shortest route is taken because im ready for this all to be over...

Thursday, April 29, 2010

this friday...

so this Friday might be the last trial, at least that is what the DA told my DAd, He said that if anything they will read my impact statement in court and then the judge will most likley make his decision, unless Dave trys to make a plea which tha DA said is the most likley thing to happen if he makes a plea he will recieve one year in prison anlong with 5 months probation and a life time sex offender title, which to me is a good thing because when they asked my recomended jail sentence I did suggest 1-2 years. im hoping that my statement will do some good allowing the judge and him to really know how my life has been affected. Just hoping the trial doesnt get postponed again...
Barbara is going to court for me this friday, so Once again THANKS SO MUCH!!
and ill try to keep everyone updated as much as possible.

Monday, April 5, 2010


I haven't posted in a while but 2 weeks ago I got into a car accident with some friends while offroading in Holy JIm, the car spun out of control and slid into a ravine and then flipped over completley, it was a scary expierence but no one was seriously injured just scratches and bruises and a bit shaken up. any ways another pretrial with no results yet again but apparently Barbara found out after calling the DA's that apparently it could take a year for a case to get to a preliminary hearing where something might actually happen, or unless he pleads out, so still just waiting for something to come of this.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

just waiting...

I think waiting has to be the worst part, because you never know what's going to come from all of this, or even if it's worth it. basically no news and the next trial in April which is a long ways away. Ive recently been having some troubles with some asshole bringing up all of this shit from my past it's amazing that some people dont realize there are subjects that you dont bring up, and things you dont make fun of, I cant even fathom the idea that there are that ignorant of people out there but I  guess there are alot of people like that out there and the best thing I or anyone can do is to just learn to deal with it and overcome it just liek everything else.

heres some quotes to help get by...

"The best thing you can do is realize that there is nothing wrong with you, and that it isn't your fault everything around you was the crazy part."

"Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no ones definition of your life; define yourself."~Harvey Fierstein

"You decide whether you look at your reality or live pretending these feelings don't exist." -Tori Amos

"YOU are the most important person you know."- courtesy of LceeL

Sunday, February 14, 2010

A Book

My mom suggestes i read this book its called Amy and Isabelleby Elizabeth Strout, it was kind of weird it was a book about a girl that went through some of the same stuff i'm going through and about how the mother daughter relationship is completley strained and changed after that, it was really good book, I related to it and Im pretty sure thats why my mom suggested it. I htink she wanted to show me that she doesnt mean to act the way she does but its impossible for relationships not to change after something that big.
its a really good read if your looking for a book in that category others might not like reading about rape situations but its a good book to relate too.
here's an excerpt from the book
 "The real problem, of course, was that she and her mother were together all day. To Amy it seemed as though a black line connected them, nothing bigger than something drawn with a pencil, perhaps, but a line that was always there. Even if one of them left the room, went to the ladies' room or to the water fountain out in the hall, let's say, it didn't matter to the black line; it simply cut through the wall and connected them still. They did the best they could. At least their desks were far apart and didn't face each other."

ooh and trial was postponed to some time in April, pretty far away so who knows what that means. I'll keep all of you readers posted.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

another postponment

trial postponed again till Febuary 10th, due to paperwork erroe or something.
does any one know how many times you can postpone? it doesnt seem fair that him and his lawyer can bend things to work for him, and that he just gets to go on as though nothing happened.

Thanks again to Barbara for going to the trial.

Monday, January 25, 2010

just a short little bit of inspiration...

well this friday is another trial lets hope my victim impact statement has left an impact on the judge.

I know I was born and I know that I'll die The in between is mine- from the song I AM MIne by Pearl Jam

im tired of gettin screwed over by people when I open myself up to trust them, imliving for me and for the ones that wont let me down.
found out my mom does have breast cancer :( but they said its very small and treatable let's hope it goes smoothly.
ill keep everyone update about the trial and what not, if any one has any questions or needs some one to talk to about a similar situation feel free to email me at

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Updates on the trial.

let's see mailed in my victim impact statement awhile ago, the last trial was on the 8th it was postponed till the 29th due to paperwprk issies or some thing like that. Barbara said that the judge is obviously getting sick of all these excuses and postponents, looks like something may happen soon i'll be sure to keep everyone updated.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

The New Year

I'm welcoming the New Year in with open arms, I feel like im over due for a good year( its been over 2 years) I'm ready to make it happen and I'm going to continue fighting untill there is absolutley nothing left I can do.

new years resolution is to continue the changes i've been making
what about you?