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Monday, September 21, 2009

Nightmares (triggers!)

Warning the following stories are very graphic and may cause triggers.

These nightmares are significant to me because I never remember dream but I remember these to the very last detail…

Its really incredible how you mind can create these fictional stories or nightmares that can hurt you physically mentally, it truly is mind over matter. Who better to know your fears or how to hurt you the most then you yourself…
It had to be the absolutely the worst dream ever- aside from the one similar to it- Brian and I were walking down some remote street on a worn cracked side walk- I was telling Brian that he had been right Dave was a creeper. Dave’s voice came out of no where “Hey Gorgeous” “ I missed you” then Dave jumped onto Brian Cussing at him and then and stabbing him as he did, then he stood “ I never like you with him” I made a move to run but he wouldn’t have it, he was on top of me. As he had been so many times before, except I had changed I dint want it. Out of no where we were in a car such a familiar place for us to have done it, instead of leather seats cushioning everything felt rock hard a cold metal death trap, a prison. He acted like he always had, same as before I knew his secrets.
“ I love you- I want you so bad Carrie- you feel so good” harder thrusts, sweating he pulled back with a slightly sinicle smile. He kissed my lips gently “ I love you babe” then he killed me same as he had done to Brian. My cries were muffled with the sounds of his cursing , interrupted by mutters of “ gorgeous”.

I woke up sick to my stomach that was the same night I had found all of this out the night it all came to light. I couldn’t sleep at all after that, from 1 am till 6am I cried silently , angrily and non stop

So I though I had gotten over it the calmness made me blind, I had another dream not as gruesome as the first but some how it hurt worse.

I was in a car I had no Idea who was driving and it seemed like no one else was there, a white car drove next to us the only to cars on the road. Inside the other car I saw Dave, as if nothing was wrong no case, no jail time nothing he wore a black shirt with purple pinstripes and sunglasses what had been my favorite outfit of his, some how it fit so perfectly in my mind. In the passenger seat was a girl about 3 or 4 years old dark brown hair and blue eyes like his. I heard myself screaming “ he has a kid” tears of panic streamed down my face burning as they fell this was my worst fear realized. I had contributed to ruining his life so what he in some ways deserved it , but a child would never fully understand what had happened.

The dream caused my body to ache I woke from it cheeks wet I had been crying a real response to the fake story my mind had created to hurt me. Once again I lay awake crying till 6 that morning the rest of the day I felt nothing but numb aching pain.



LceeL said...

It' not what your mind is trying to do to hurt you. You are not at war with yourself. It's your mind trying to express your deepest fears - not to hurt you, but to encourage you to get those fears out in the open and dealt with. As long as you have unresolved issues surrounding you, you're going to have nightmares.

Syeera said...

I agree wholeheartedly with LceeL. My whole life has been plagued by devastating nightmares - abuse, murder, death, helplessness, hopelessness.. you name it. And I wake up from these dreams with the emotions of having actually experienced them! I can be affected for days by an especially bad one.

I have learned that these dreams ARE a direct expression of the fears I hold deep inside myself, from things that have happened in my past, to things I am afraid will happen now or in the future. They are an expression of my own insecurities and self-doubt. They are the parts of me fighting to get out, to be heard.

I would love the opportunity to share more with you, even share particular dreams. It could possibly help us both. Please let me know if you are interested. HUGS!

Blonde Mafia said...

syeera, I would defenitley be interested in talking to you about it.
and I get what you guys are saying about its your fears trying to get out I had these dreams back in the weeks after it had all happened and I havent had one like them since probably becuase ive tried to move on and Ive gotten all of it out into the open this blog defenitley helps me though...
and if you guys want to email me feel free to Id love to talk to anyone that has questions about what ive gone through or needs some one to talk about what htere going through. im here to help


Barbara(aka Layla) said...

I'm glad you wrote about this and think the fact that you aren't having these nightmares anymore is a very positive sign that you are healing. Keep writing. No one will ever be able to know exactly how you feel in your unique situation, but many of us can relate in one way or another and I think its healing to be able to talk about something. You are so wise and mature to recognize that now. It took me 15 years to even admit I'd been raped! Luckily it doesn't haunt me at all anymore.

It was sensitive to include the trigger alert, even though some people may not know what that means, those that do will appreciate it. I have accidentally read things in the past that sent me to a bad place.