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Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Just thoughts written out...

I try really hard to not think about him unless absolutely necessary, but it is hard not to. Last year around this time ( October to march) wasn’t as hard to get by with. But as more time passes it’s like it starts to sink in more and I realize that there is no way to go back. It’s as if there isn’t a month free from reminders, to many things happened over that span of time. I want a break. I don’t want my mind to be trapped, its just that something always seems to trigger a buried memory and I’m back to it. This time of year causes triggers to rear their ugly heads and disturb the peacefulness that never seem to have the chance to stay.


These are the thoughts I’ve been needing and wanting to get out.

Another fear keeps on clouding my thoughts and I don’t know if it will come to light. This has been in my mind since the beginning, what happens when I fall for a guy that doesn’t know what I’ve been through. I know it makes me who I am. I understand that some people may not get that the pain of my past isn’t me, my reaction my decision on how to deal with that pain well that IS ME. What if I cant find some one that truly excepts that and wants me past and all. Should I even risk telling some one due to what their reaction might be. This is a stupid irrational fear I know. But it is a fear just the same. Maybe someday some one or something will cause me to rid my mind of this fear. I just want some one to prove that I’m wrong, that it’s not going to be hard to find that guy, the guy that doesn’t mid and actually understands.



Right now I know times are tough but I know it has to pass, and I know my doubts will pass along with it.

10 comments:

Barbara aka Layla said...

Its actually not stupid or irrational to have this fear...I wish I could say it was. But reality is that there are some guys out there that won't understand, that will somehow hold it against you or see you in a different light because of it. I dated my son's "father" for two years (long before I had my son...that came two years after we broke up - lol).

Somewhere in that time I told him my story and he used it against me every chance he got. What an asshole...and I don't mean him, I mean ME for being with a guy like that in the first place!

The good news, my sweet wonderful Carrie, is that YOU will attract a guy that is like you - something with intelligence, a good heart, etc. I was still pretty messed up back then, therefore I attracted the above mentioned "man". But you...YOU are different. You have already gone miles further than most people would in this short time frame.

I personally believe that you will find a man that will love you for YOU which includes your entire life and all it's events. Just keep doing what you're doing. Being true to yourself, feeling the emotional crap rather than trying to deny it. You are SO on the right track!

Anonymous said...

mmm
''carrie''
Why do you suddenly ''hate'' him?
Because of the lies he told you about how old he really was? Just because of that?
I really dont get it..
You have panic disorders and all that sort of stuff, why? Just because Brown was 31 and not 22? LOL!!!!!!!!
You sound a little bit (LOT) exagerated you know?

Georgia Girl said...

Carrie, your profile defines your character. You ARE a strong person, and I hope you will continue to believe in yourself.

LceeL said...

Dear, Sweet Carrie. The person you ultimately find to love - the person who is going to complete you - and you, him - is going to be one thing more than anything else -- your friend. That is, if you do it right. Take it from me, the relationships that are the most solid and last the longest, are relationships where the people involved are not only lovers, not only In Love, but they are also each other's best friend. Having said that, my ancient Grandfather, a man who said little to me as I grew up, DID say this - "A friend is someone who knows everything about you, but likes you anyway." Just make sure that person is your friend - first, last, and always - then you won't have to worry about your 'past'.

Blonde Mafia said...

anonymous
well its kind of obvious you dont understand the big picture you dont get the kind of relationship it was it was stringly sexual strongly abusive and it was wrong it was full of drugs and alcohol if you cant understand that well maybe you have the probelems its not that it was a lies its the fact that some one knowingly would seduce a 15 yr old and not care abd physically abuse them you have apparently never been in a situation even somewhat close to what I have and the fact that you would comment and say some thing like that shows how small minded of a person you are. also by posting it anonymously you obviousley are a small minded asshole with not balls to put your name down so you know what I couldn't careless what you are saying go fuck yourself. youve obviousley had no misfortune in your life and can' seem to expierence empathy but what ever it just means that some of us are more human than you are...
-Carrie

Anonymous said...

physically abuse?
YOU WERE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM GIRL...

Blonde Mafia said...

okay if you cant seem to realize that a relationship can involve being physically abuse what is your problem. why dont you get the balls to use your name instead of posting anonymously you fuckin dumbass I mean if you feel so strongly. Really you should look up the word empathy some time. do you like support older men lying and seducing young girls? do you think statutory rape is okay or something you need to check your morals you ignorant son of a bitch if you dont get what I am writing about in this blog then feel free not to visit it...

Barbara aka Layla said...

Hey Anon, you don't seem to get it, I hope Carrie's last post helps you understand it better.

Anonymous said...

LOL!!!
you are seriously mentally ill... really.

Blonde Mafia said...

Okay anon keep it to your self im sure im not the only one that doesnt agree with you. I dont want you here and im positive my other readers dont want you here go be ignorant and childish some where esle, or maybe it might be fun some time if you went and got your own life to screw up. I really hope some day you realize what a stpid bastard you are, cause pretty much everyone else has realized that for you.