trial

the next pre trial is coming up, on October 2nd to be exact. around this  time I start to get really nervous and easily angry I already have some what of an anger issue which I will admit , and usually I can control it. but around this t ime I have so much going on in my head its hard to keep it in check.
Ive been quitting smoking recently which is very hard because everytime another trial comes up I break it and have one. its probably not the best idea to quit in such a stressful situation but I only smoke on the days of the trials now so at least im improving...
dam I could go for a cigarette right now, anyways he's pleaded not guilty on all acts for the first 2 trials so I don't know whats going to happen in this one, probably the prosecuter will start  releasing the evidence to the court.  I haven't gone to court I want to so that I can say all that happened and help in putting him away. but I don't think they will have me testify unless it is taken to a jury.
I feel a bit stronger knowing that at least the court system is moving along no matter how slowly its moving.

when I find out more ill keep you all updated, thanks for reading I feel good knowing theres people out there who want to listen.

Nightmares (triggers!)

Warning the following stories are very graphic and may cause triggers.

These nightmares are significant to me because I never remember dream but I remember these to the very last detail…



Its really incredible how you mind can create these fictional stories or nightmares that can hurt you physically mentally, it truly is mind over matter. Who better to know your fears or how to hurt you the most then you yourself…
It had to be the absolutely the worst dream ever- aside from the one similar to it- Brian and I were walking down some remote street on a worn cracked side walk- I was telling Brian that he had been right Dave was a creeper. Dave’s voice came out of no where “Hey Gorgeous” “ I missed you” then Dave jumped onto Brian Cussing at him and then and stabbing him as he did, then he stood “ I never like you with him” I made a move to run but he wouldn’t have it, he was on top of me. As he had been so many times before, except I had changed I dint want it. Out of no where we were in a car such a familiar place for us to have done it, instead of leather seats cushioning everything felt rock hard a cold metal death trap, a prison. He acted like he always had, same as before I knew his secrets.
“ I love you- I want you so bad Carrie- you feel so good” harder thrusts, sweating he pulled back with a slightly sinicle smile. He kissed my lips gently “ I love you babe” then he killed me same as he had done to Brian. My cries were muffled with the sounds of his cursing , interrupted by mutters of “ gorgeous”.

I woke up sick to my stomach that was the same night I had found all of this out the night it all came to light. I couldn’t sleep at all after that, from 1 am till 6am I cried silently , angrily and non stop

So I though I had gotten over it the calmness made me blind, I had another dream not as gruesome as the first but some how it hurt worse.

I was in a car I had no Idea who was driving and it seemed like no one else was there, a white car drove next to us the only to cars on the road. Inside the other car I saw Dave, as if nothing was wrong no case, no jail time nothing he wore a black shirt with purple pinstripes and sunglasses what had been my favorite outfit of his, some how it fit so perfectly in my mind. In the passenger seat was a girl about 3 or 4 years old dark brown hair and blue eyes like his. I heard myself screaming “ he has a kid” tears of panic streamed down my face burning as they fell this was my worst fear realized. I had contributed to ruining his life so what he in some ways deserved it , but a child would never fully understand what had happened.

The dream caused my body to ache I woke from it cheeks wet I had been crying a real response to the fake story my mind had created to hurt me. Once again I lay awake crying till 6 that morning the rest of the day I felt nothing but numb aching pain.

nightmares

this weekend im going to post the nightmare Ihad the same night all of this came to light its going to be graffic but its important, I never remeber my dreams but this nightmare along with one another have stuck in my mind in great detail, so stay tuned to hear it...

quotes to help get through it

first day of senior year

wow first day of senior year it was crazy but im glad school started itll keep my mind occupied and stop me from thinking about all of this shit all of the time. it was great seeing how different everyone looks from just not seeing them for the summer, itll be a good year.

Regret I do have it

this is a response to a comment that some one posted and id liek to clear up,

LceeL,


I live with the results of my mistake everyday there isnt a day that goes by were I dont regret what happended and how I let it happen and agreed for it to happen, but ive learned regreting it isnt going to change anything its just going to keep my life on hold and I want to get past that point, yes I understand that I agreed im sorry that I ever did... But regreting every mistake is a waste of time and a burden on me.

PTSD

I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, I wish I didn’t but I do.


Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and look out the window expecting to see his car out there like it used to be, when I wake up in the middle of the night from honking I panic I feel like its him but of course its not its just the neighbors. I get this kind of flushed feeling when I see a silver mustang convertible ( his car) only the silver ones do this to me my heart start beating so freakin fast, I hate that car that car is way to common. And sometimes I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach it only happens in places I went with him and it only happens when I think I see him its never actually him but the fears still there. Subconsciously I know that chances are slim that im ever going to see him and chances are even slimmer that he’s going to do anything to me, but the fear is still there churning at the bottom of my stomach. Its gotten better I used to not be able to walk past this one store without completely losing it im a strong person but sometimes this stuff gets to me I’m learning to control it I don’t want it to interfere with my life.

I CAN BEAT THIS, I AM STRONGER THEN THIS, I CAN, AND I WILL…..

I found this quote and hey its true for everyone

heres the article from the paper about it my guy was DAVID COURTNEY BROWN

3 O.C. men arrested in child sex crimes cases
Task force investigating crimes against children announces arrests.
By JON CASSIDY
THE ORANGE COUNTY REGISTER
Comments 68 Recommend 14
SANTA ANA – Three Orange County men have been arrested on suspicion of sex crimes involving minors.
The Sexual Assault Felony Enforcement team, or SAFE, a multi-agency task force that investigates crimes against children, announced this morning the arrest of David Brown, 34, of Lake Forest; Richard Chaney, 23, Costa Mesa; and Brock Jackson, 21, of Rancho Santa Margarita.
Brown is accused of having a four-month-long sexual relationship with a 15-year-old girl he met online.
Chaney is accused of having a 14-year-old girl engage in live video sex acts, and of later having sex with her. He is also accused of raping another woman who was unconscious.Jackson is accused of possessing hundreds of videos and about 6,000 images of child pornography.
Chaney and Jackson are being charged in federal court.
Brown is being charged in Orange County Superior Court sex acts with a minor. He surrendered to authorities Wednesday, and is free on a $100,000 bail bond.
Brown came to the attention of law enforcement after he was found on a high school campus trying to talk to the girl, officials said. The investigation found that Brown had portrayed himself as a 22-year-old on a social networking Web site, and used the Internet to chat with high school girls, police said.
Chaney was arrested June 5 after the mother of a 14-year-old girl told authorities that her daughter had performed sexual acts in front of her Webcam for Chaney, and that Chaney had later slept with her, officials said.
A search of Chaney's apartment uncovered a video of him having sex with an unconscious woman, said David Baroway, a special agent supervisor with the California Department of Justice.
Baroway said there were also other illegal videos in the apartment, but declined to say whether they involved Chaney.
In December 2008, Fullerton police were investigating a vehicle theft, and discovered that the man they suspected in that crime, Jackson, had child pornography on his computer, Baroway said.
The hundreds of videos and roughly 6,000 photos of child pornography included images of children who were "very, very young," Baroway said.
Jackson was arrested this morning by the Fullerton Police Department.
Authorities released photos of Brown and Chaney in hopes that any possible victims would contact them. The SAFE team can be reached at its FBI offices at 714-542-8825 or 310-477-6565.
The SAFE team comprises investigators from multiple federal and state agencies, district attorney's offices and police and sheriff's departments. The team is funded, housed, and operated by the FBI.
The arrests were announced this morning at a news conference at the Orange County Sheriff’s Department

MY STORY HERE IT IS

Okay I am ready to do this. Get this out there here’s the full story.
It happened when I was 15. It started with my sister being friended on myspace by some guy we didn’t know, but we agreed to meet him around the lake by our house, when we met him my sister and him didn’t really seem to hit it off, but he and I did (probably because I get along with just about everyone) I had called the guy I was seeing at the time who I will for privacy sake call Brian, anyways we all hung out around the lake drinking with me sitting between Brians legs. It got later and my sister and I had to go, A couple of days later I got A friend request from him his name is Dave, Telling me how he had a great time talking to me and how much he liked me, that he was jealous watching Brian and I flirt that day. So then I started seeing Dave, I would sneak out of my house almost every night, he brought me flowers that fist night and that second night we had sex.
We started getting really close after that wed always find a way to talk or see each other, I would ditch school and call him to come and get me. Then he and I would drive around sometimes stopping to hook up or go places like the mall.
Then came Christmas I remember exactly what he gave me a bottle of jack daniels, a zippo, and a nug f weed. All of this kept going on through the months after Christmas, some times he would call me and tell me he was going to stop by my school at lunch and I would meet him and blow off the rest of my classes to take a long lunch ( which never consisted of lunch just of us hooking up) wed have a quickee , and on most days I would get to school early in the morning and meet him in the plaza by my school, we would usually have sex or something of that nature then he would drive me to school usually in time to be a half an hour late to my first class. This went on through Valentines day (which included another exchange of alcohol and cigarettes, along with flowers and a balloon)
　
Any ways then came March, this was THE month. Dace came to my school at lunch with out calling me to tell me so I had no idea, my friend pointed him out and was like “ Hey isn’t that your boyfriend”. he came over and kissed me then a campus security guard drove up and brought him to the office ( you cant be on campus with out a pass). They questioned him, and my friend and I were hiding down the hall from the office I started crying blaming myself that he was going to get in trouble. Then in my class after lunch some one from the office came and got me she asked me how old I though he was I replied 22 she said well your going to be surprised I asked her what she meant she told me he was 31.
My heart fell in to my stomach and bile rose in my throat. They had me wait in the office and my dad came they had the sheriff call Daves cell phone ( he had been released because they didn’t have anything to keep him for yet) the sheriff told him that I didn’t want to see him again and to stay away from me and that he would personally go after him if he didn’t. after that the told me what they had found out.
He was 31, 31 and married, it turns out he lived about 3 or 4 blocks away from my house in some apartments. The sheriff asked me all the standard questions then let me go home he later came tom my house to pick up my computer to find evidence. The next day at school I had to talk to an investigator I told him everything in even more detail then what I am saying now. In the days to follow we would be updated they broke down his door and arrested him, they found over 40 hard drives in his house ( which led them to believe he was involved in child porn). When they arrested him he waived his right to be silent and told them what ever I said he did he did.
Its more than a year later trials are still going on he’s out at the moment on bail which is a terrifying thought. At the moment he is pleading not guilty to every charge…
Well that’s it that pretty much my story it took so much for me to write this all down, and someday maybe I can share what im going through now at the moment the nightmares and the post traumatic stress, but for now im proud of getting myself this far…

okay

im starting this blog do get it all out all the shit thats happend in my life and it needs to be said from rape to drugs to alcohol i want to start sharing and hopefully itll help, hopefully itll help others that read this...