I just know...

I believe and feel that a positive future can come from the expression of a negative past this is part of the healing process. I just know that there is the possibility of a time in one's life when gratitutde for the wrongs done to us and those we love is in order. this is not to say that I am happy with my losses. I have simply come to a place in my life where I can be thankful for the losses and troubled times I have been through, as well as the love-filled and magical times. the creative process of moving through the expierence of loss, and learning from such expierences, is where the gratitude for life and all experiences come from.



heres a great quote from Dave Navarro that has just been sticking with my thoughts latley VVV
" because if you think that you can affect my life and change it to ultimatley better my future and in turn yours, and then in turn the world, then whta your'e essentially saying is that your'e acting as a god. and i dont believe for a second that your'e acting as a god here on this earth. Be cause to touch my life and change my future is a power I don't believe you have. And if you do have it I dont wantto know anything about it because I want  my path to unfold on its own"- Dave Navarro

just thinking...

I remember when all of this came to light, and it was stressed that I should go see a psychiatrist. I never wanted to I thought to myself I don't need some one dissecting my actions and telling me why I did the things I did, so I never went and saw one. I look back now and I see that for me it was the best choice I could have made it allowed me to see who I was through my own eyes it made me deal with my own problems and caused me to reach out and meet other people that pulled me along through all of this. My thoughts always were a psychologist or psychiatrist can only take you so far the rest of the way you  need to find yourself, so I found that whole way not on my own but with the help of the people that I personally chose. In no way am I saying people shouldn't get help from a psychiatrist for there problems I am just sharing how i personally dealt with my situation and my ptsd, everyone is different but still in some way everyone needs to make the choice to continue their journey at some point on their own.

Just life going the way it should...

I havent posted in while I think it maybe because im actually doing really good right now, I odnt have any upsetting news that I need to get out I feel more released.
right now in my life everything is falling into place, my mom went through her 2nd shot of chemo 2 days ago and is doing good, only 2 more shots to go but they are spaced out so some time in october she will finally be done. as with me personally Im finally dating a guy that puts allt hose others to shame, a guy that makes me realize how I should be treated and makes me realize that no other guy has treated me properlly, ive found a guy that actually cares and loves me despite my flaws and my quirks, so im in a really good place right now, ill be sure to keep you all posted.

and heres a few questions for all of you reading this
- Whos made the most difference in your life?
-Most meaningfull quote to you?
-what have you overcome? and howd you do it?




“Rape's not something where you just go, "Well, get over it" or "Believe in love and peace, my child, and it'll all be over." Well, fuck you, that isn't the answer. It's a great thought, OK, but you can go and stick crystals up your butt and get on with it. I'm all for love and peace, but that's not the side I work on. If somebody would talk about it, or worse, joke about it, I would be ready to kill. That's not healing. It was a very long time after that before I was able to be with anyone again. And it has never been the same as it was before"- Tori Amos

Dog's Eye View - Everything Falls Apart

right now...

So Its been 2 years since ive had a boyfriend, because those whole 2 years I spent focusing on my life and the trial. When I stopped looking all of a sudden this great guy popped into my life, I was so afraid to tell him about my past in fear that he wouldnt know how to handle it and he wouldnt like me because of it, but i told him and his reaction was all I could ever hope for. he told me that it doesnt change a thing, it just means that ive expierence a different kin dof life, and he said pasts liek that build character which must be why he likes me so much. So the fears I had been having about aguys reaction werent true in the least bit at least not when it came to him. Im just glad my life is being accepted and thing seem to be settling as normal as possible.

Its all over now!!

so the last trial he plead guilty and got 1 year at ocj 5 years probation and life time as a sex offender,
im so glad for this closure to happen right now, its like as soon as a I graduate high school at the end of this month  my whole life is going to be starting over and I cant wait for it.
Thanks to all of you that stuck by me and brought me up when everything else was pushing me down you guys are really what made me get through this.

Just because this is over doesnt mean Im going to stop posting on this blog, because the purpose of this bloh is for people to know that they can survive so ill keep everyone posted on my life from now on.
on that note my mom had her surgery for breast cancer a double masectomy and is doing great!!!

Once again thanks to all especially Barbara I really couldnt have gone through this all with out you youve pretty much renewed my faith in people :)
lots of love!!

just more updates...

so Thursday the 27th is the plea date apparently if he pleas guilty then he will get a year in prison 6 months probation and life time registration as a sex offender, if he pleas not guilty then it goes to more trials, also on the 27th they are going to be reading my statement. so fingers crossed the shortest route is taken because im ready for this all to be over...