an essay i wrote about an event in my life

My Not So Straight and Narrow Path


Looking back I can pin point the exact moment where I what little control I had of my life. Most people would say it was that first beer when I twelve years old, but I know better than that. That first beer didn’t send me into a corkscrew of bad decisions. It just left me unstable like a Jenga tower about to fall waiting for that next false move. It started with a guy named Brad. He was the kind of person whose personality radiated from him whether it was on those rare occasions where he was able to keep his mouth shut, or when he was actually talking.

There was no way for him to tone down his personality. No matter how hard he tried, there was always something different about him that had to stand out. Physically, Brad was very tall and skinny but muscular, with the kind of body frame that couldn’t keep on weight. Across his stomach was a long deep scar from a drunken car crash on Ortega that had left him in a coma for a week. He was twenty five years old, but at the most looked as though he was eighteen. He had the ability to charm anyone and everyone; I guess that must have been how I got wrapped up in all of this with him. How I met Brad was simple enough, but sometimes the simple things change your life the most. He was a friend of a friend, just someone who happened to be there one night when we were fishing around the lake. It was two in the morning and really too dark for me to see his face, then he stepped into the light and that was when his magnetism took hold. We left our friends and went back to his house. Along the way we filled silences with idle chit chat like “Wow, I didn’t know that Luke had any girls willing to hang out with him” and me responding with “ Well I guess he’s not too bad of a guy…. Sometimes…” We laughed most of the walk, making jokes at our mutual friend’s expenses. When we arrived at his house, we let ourselves into the backyard and out of a tall, worn garden shed with a rusty make shift lock he pulled out a carton of beer and a bong. He nodded at the stash he held in his hand and then nodded at me as if to say “are you up for this?” Not wanting him to think of me any differently, I said “Yeah, of course I am. Are you sure you can handle this with me, though?” He laughed in response, and said “You seem like your full of trouble” and I thought to myself “if you only knew.”

We started with a cold can of Coors, each can sweating and reflecting the Christmas lights draped across the patio that had been neglected to be taken down although it was already July. One beer led to another and then those beers led a craving for a hard packed bowl, so we slowly began mingling sips of beer with hits from the bong. Our smoke mingled together becoming one before melting away into the crisp air. We parted ways after our provisions had dwindled down to nothing but backwash in warm cans and ash. We said goodbye to each other and made plans to hang out again really soon. I had always hated repetitive schedules but, for some reason, this didn’t seem repetitive to me. I had tricked my mind into thinking this was different even though like clockwork we would meet up. Slowly, though, instead of sticking with things being the way they were, I began to crave more, and everything else that should have been important fell to the wayside.

All I could focus on was the next time I could drink, and I did it at every opportunity available. Even if that meant ditching school or, if school wasn’t avoidable, just drinking at school and trying to hide it the best I could. Brad encouraged it, and I thought “if no one is unfavorable to my actions then there is no reason to stop because I must not be doing anything really truly wrong.” I was living in the denial of my own blissful, clouded mind. I never saw that my-not-so-straight-and-narrow-path wasn’t just taking a toll on me. It was changing how everyone around me saw me; people could tell something was wrong. The only friend I had left was Brad, if you could call someone who was promoting your downfall and making you reliant on them a friend. I was lost.

It took me so long to find myself an escape route from the rough road I had put myself on, nothing was able to pull me out of this fog of negativity. But eventually I found help in the people I had thought I the help came not from a bottle of beer but from the love and concern of friends and family. Just when I was completely lost they found me and in a way towed me back onto the paved road. All of this made me realize that alcohol not only affects the addict but everyone around them, alcohol is like an atomic bomb doing the most damage to the target but also damaging those in the same vicinity as the explosion.

Revenge...

They say revenge is a dish best served cold, they also say revenge is sweet.... So... REVENGE MUST BE ICE CREAM!!!

just some quotes to get by...

"Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of any misfortune".William James"The last thing I want to be known as is 'The Girl Who Got Raped'. The big turn around you make in your head is from victim to survivor."

"You can't change what happened. And nobody's asking you to forgive. But you can't associate all men with violence."
"The sexual abuse and exploitation of children is one of the most vicious crimes conceivable, a violation of mankind's most basic duty to protect the innocent. "

James T. Walsh

I just know...

I believe and feel that a positive future can come from the expression of a negative past this is part of the healing process. I just know that there is the possibility of a time in one's life when gratitutde for the wrongs done to us and those we love is in order. this is not to say that I am happy with my losses. I have simply come to a place in my life where I can be thankful for the losses and troubled times I have been through, as well as the love-filled and magical times. the creative process of moving through the expierence of loss, and learning from such expierences, is where the gratitude for life and all experiences come from.



heres a great quote from Dave Navarro that has just been sticking with my thoughts latley VVV
" because if you think that you can affect my life and change it to ultimatley better my future and in turn yours, and then in turn the world, then whta your'e essentially saying is that your'e acting as a god. and i dont believe for a second that your'e acting as a god here on this earth. Be cause to touch my life and change my future is a power I don't believe you have. And if you do have it I dont wantto know anything about it because I want  my path to unfold on its own"- Dave Navarro

just thinking...

I remember when all of this came to light, and it was stressed that I should go see a psychiatrist. I never wanted to I thought to myself I don't need some one dissecting my actions and telling me why I did the things I did, so I never went and saw one. I look back now and I see that for me it was the best choice I could have made it allowed me to see who I was through my own eyes it made me deal with my own problems and caused me to reach out and meet other people that pulled me along through all of this. My thoughts always were a psychologist or psychiatrist can only take you so far the rest of the way you  need to find yourself, so I found that whole way not on my own but with the help of the people that I personally chose. In no way am I saying people shouldn't get help from a psychiatrist for there problems I am just sharing how i personally dealt with my situation and my ptsd, everyone is different but still in some way everyone needs to make the choice to continue their journey at some point on their own.

Just life going the way it should...

I havent posted in while I think it maybe because im actually doing really good right now, I odnt have any upsetting news that I need to get out I feel more released.
right now in my life everything is falling into place, my mom went through her 2nd shot of chemo 2 days ago and is doing good, only 2 more shots to go but they are spaced out so some time in october she will finally be done. as with me personally Im finally dating a guy that puts allt hose others to shame, a guy that makes me realize how I should be treated and makes me realize that no other guy has treated me properlly, ive found a guy that actually cares and loves me despite my flaws and my quirks, so im in a really good place right now, ill be sure to keep you all posted.

and heres a few questions for all of you reading this
- Whos made the most difference in your life?
-Most meaningfull quote to you?
-what have you overcome? and howd you do it?




“Rape's not something where you just go, "Well, get over it" or "Believe in love and peace, my child, and it'll all be over." Well, fuck you, that isn't the answer. It's a great thought, OK, but you can go and stick crystals up your butt and get on with it. I'm all for love and peace, but that's not the side I work on. If somebody would talk about it, or worse, joke about it, I would be ready to kill. That's not healing. It was a very long time after that before I was able to be with anyone again. And it has never been the same as it was before"- Tori Amos

Dog's Eye View - Everything Falls Apart