My Life a Not So Straight and Narrow Path

Wired to the Bone

2011-10-26T13:44:00.000-07:00

hey everyone its been awhile!
I've been busy with my boyfriend working on creation working to create our own jewelry line, we've started to have a few customers, and the word is spreading. But i'd like to ask you guys to help us out in spreading the word!!

come check out our Facebook page and like us! and spread the words to your friends! The more people who know the bigger our ideas can get!
Handcrafted jewelry made from recycled objects. Bullets & Crystals. Tough & Delicate. Leather & Wire. Raw & Refined. They say a tattoo goes all the way to the bone... Our jewelry is WIRED TO THE BONE
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Wired-to-the-Bone/180700128675593

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Wired-to-the-Bone/180700128675593

It's been awhile...

2011-06-18T08:44:00.000-07:00

Sorry It's been a couple of months since ive posted on here, nothing has really happened since the last time...
Dave was released from jail on May 27th, and is now living in Lake Forest which is only about a 15 minute drive from my house, having him live so close is definitely not a comforting feeling. And Ive got the feeling I will eventually run into him in public. Nothing much more than that im working on trying to move out of my parents house and finally get away from all of this, so we will see how that goes. I'll try and keep everyone posted but sometimes its hard for me to post when I don't even know how to put my thoughts into words.

David Courtney Brown, Megan's Law

Pray for You - Jaron and The Long Road to Love :: Official Video

2011-02-06T11:06:00.000-08:00

Breakdown...

2011-01-30T13:07:00.000-08:00

So recently I had a complete breakdown it was the first one I had in a while and I wasnt really expecting it, and it was the first breakdown Ive had in front of my boyfriend Matt. So Matt and I have been having some serious talks latley about him having money problems and being unemployed at the moment so I think that may have been part of the reason I was already feeling emotional. After that convo Matt was telling me how he was so lucky to have the perfect girlfriend, and I dont know what was with me but I was playing the negative one and going im not perfect, he said what do you mean? and I was like im just not. then he asked me if I thought it was because of the ptsd and everything that had happened. Thats when I just started crying its exactly what I had been thinking about but couldnt put it into words, He tried to get me to talk about to let me get it all out and try and feel better, but I just kept crying. He felt really bad and felt like he was the one that had made me cry. So I tried to explain to him that it wasnt anyhting he did it was just I had been pushing everything down for so long that I guess finally it just had to come out. We sat and talked for hours after that and he hugged me untill I stopped crying. At that moment seeing how he reacted to me crying like that because he had only seen me cry for another reason once before really made me realize that This really is THE guy, the one that actually cares and the one that puts all others to shame. He told me that he was going to be there for me no matter what and that he was going to keep me safe, that he wasnt going to let anything else like that happen to me ever again, that I deserved the best and he was going to make sure I had it.
So I guess all though this breakdown was a weak point, its made our relationship stronger.

Blessid Union of Souls- I Wanna Be There

2011-01-29T20:20:00.000-08:00

2011-01-29T10:08:00.001-08:00

Contemplating....

2011-01-17T10:02:00.000-08:00

Do you ever feel like everything is going to well for once. Like nothing is wrong so something big and horrible is about to happen, like right now your in the eye of the storm waiting for the next big wave of disaster.
I know I should be positive everythings is fine, not struggling with money finally! have a good guy that cares about me finally! and just focusing on school. but I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that somehting is going to go wrong soon. maybe the calmness right now is just making me nervous because im not use to it I dont know lets see what happens...

2010-12-24T12:17:00.000-08:00

I Hope everyone has a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. It's insane to think how much has changed over the year all for the better, I couldnt really ask for more this year. looking forward to the next year and seeing whats in store for me.

Watching a Christmas Story as always this christmas eve.

What are some of your Holiday Traditions?

Have a safe Holiday everyone!

Happy Turkey Day

2010-11-25T10:22:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving!

I'm thankful for...

My family and friends

my boyfriend who is the greatest person ever.

closure

being able to move on.

all the friends ive made from blogging

my family staying around

for my dad never viewing me differently

for the fact that my dad made sure I could afford college

for making it this far.

an essay i wrote about an event in my life

2010-11-08T19:12:00.000-08:00

My Not So Straight and Narrow Path

Looking back I can pin point the exact moment where I what little control I had of my life. Most people would say it was that first beer when I twelve years old, but I know better than that. That first beer didn’t send me into a corkscrew of bad decisions. It just left me unstable like a Jenga tower about to fall waiting for that next false move. It started with a guy named Brad. He was the kind of person whose personality radiated from him whether it was on those rare occasions where he was able to keep his mouth shut, or when he was actually talking.

There was no way for him to tone down his personality. No matter how hard he tried, there was always something different about him that had to stand out. Physically, Brad was very tall and skinny but muscular, with the kind of body frame that couldn’t keep on weight. Across his stomach was a long deep scar from a drunken car crash on Ortega that had left him in a coma for a week. He was twenty five years old, but at the most looked as though he was eighteen. He had the ability to charm anyone and everyone; I guess that must have been how I got wrapped up in all of this with him. How I met Brad was simple enough, but sometimes the simple things change your life the most. He was a friend of a friend, just someone who happened to be there one night when we were fishing around the lake. It was two in the morning and really too dark for me to see his face, then he stepped into the light and that was when his magnetism took hold. We left our friends and went back to his house. Along the way we filled silences with idle chit chat like “Wow, I didn’t know that Luke had any girls willing to hang out with him” and me responding with “ Well I guess he’s not too bad of a guy…. Sometimes…” We laughed most of the walk, making jokes at our mutual friend’s expenses. When we arrived at his house, we let ourselves into the backyard and out of a tall, worn garden shed with a rusty make shift lock he pulled out a carton of beer and a bong. He nodded at the stash he held in his hand and then nodded at me as if to say “are you up for this?” Not wanting him to think of me any differently, I said “Yeah, of course I am. Are you sure you can handle this with me, though?” He laughed in response, and said “You seem like your full of trouble” and I thought to myself “if you only knew.”

We started with a cold can of Coors, each can sweating and reflecting the Christmas lights draped across the patio that had been neglected to be taken down although it was already July. One beer led to another and then those beers led a craving for a hard packed bowl, so we slowly began mingling sips of beer with hits from the bong. Our smoke mingled together becoming one before melting away into the crisp air. We parted ways after our provisions had dwindled down to nothing but backwash in warm cans and ash. We said goodbye to each other and made plans to hang out again really soon. I had always hated repetitive schedules but, for some reason, this didn’t seem repetitive to me. I had tricked my mind into thinking this was different even though like clockwork we would meet up. Slowly, though, instead of sticking with things being the way they were, I began to crave more, and everything else that should have been important fell to the wayside.

All I could focus on was the next time I could drink, and I did it at every opportunity available. Even if that meant ditching school or, if school wasn’t avoidable, just drinking at school and trying to hide it the best I could. Brad encouraged it, and I thought “if no one is unfavorable to my actions then there is no reason to stop because I must not be doing anything really truly wrong.” I was living in the denial of my own blissful, clouded mind. I never saw that my-not-so-straight-and-narrow-path wasn’t just taking a toll on me. It was changing how everyone around me saw me; people could tell something was wrong. The only friend I had left was Brad, if you could call someone who was promoting your downfall and making you reliant on them a friend. I was lost.

It took me so long to find myself an escape route from the rough road I had put myself on, nothing was able to pull me out of this fog of negativity. But eventually I found help in the people I had thought I the help came not from a bottle of beer but from the love and concern of friends and family. Just when I was completely lost they found me and in a way towed me back onto the paved road. All of this made me realize that alcohol not only affects the addict but everyone around them, alcohol is like an atomic bomb doing the most damage to the target but also damaging those in the same vicinity as the explosion.

Revenge...

2010-11-04T15:16:00.000-07:00

They say revenge is a dish best served cold, they also say revenge is sweet.... So... REVENGE MUST BE ICE CREAM!!!

just some quotes to get by...

2010-09-24T14:07:00.000-07:00

"Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of any misfortune".William James"The last thing I want to be known as is 'The Girl Who Got Raped'. The big turn around you make in your head is from victim to survivor."

"You can't change what happened. And nobody's asking you to forgive. But you can't associate all men with violence."
"The sexual abuse and exploitation of children is one of the most vicious crimes conceivable, a violation of mankind's most basic duty to protect the innocent. "

James T. Walsh

I just know...

2010-08-31T16:07:00.000-07:00

I believe and feel that a positive future can come from the expression of a negative past this is part of the healing process. I just know that there is the possibility of a time in one's life when gratitutde for the wrongs done to us and those we love is in order. this is not to say that I am happy with my losses. I have simply come to a place in my life where I can be thankful for the losses and troubled times I have been through, as well as the love-filled and magical times. the creative process of moving through the expierence of loss, and learning from such expierences, is where the gratitude for life and all experiences come from.

heres a great quote from Dave Navarro that has just been sticking with my thoughts latley VVV
" because if you think that you can affect my life and change it to ultimatley better my future and in turn yours, and then in turn the world, then whta your'e essentially saying is that your'e acting as a god. and i dont believe for a second that your'e acting as a god here on this earth. Be cause to touch my life and change my future is a power I don't believe you have. And if you do have it I dont wantto know anything about it because I want my path to unfold on its own"- Dave Navarro

just thinking...

2010-08-20T23:37:00.000-07:00

I remember when all of this came to light, and it was stressed that I should go see a psychiatrist. I never wanted to I thought to myself I don't need some one dissecting my actions and telling me why I did the things I did, so I never went and saw one. I look back now and I see that for me it was the best choice I could have made it allowed me to see who I was through my own eyes it made me deal with my own problems and caused me to reach out and meet other people that pulled me along through all of this. My thoughts always were a psychologist or psychiatrist can only take you so far the rest of the way you need to find yourself, so I found that whole way not on my own but with the help of the people that I personally chose. In no way am I saying people shouldn't get help from a psychiatrist for there problems I am just sharing how i personally dealt with my situation and my ptsd, everyone is different but still in some way everyone needs to make the choice to continue their journey at some point on their own.

Just life going the way it should...

2010-07-24T08:25:00.000-07:00

I havent posted in while I think it maybe because im actually doing really good right now, I odnt have any upsetting news that I need to get out I feel more released.
right now in my life everything is falling into place, my mom went through her 2nd shot of chemo 2 days ago and is doing good, only 2 more shots to go but they are spaced out so some time in october she will finally be done. as with me personally Im finally dating a guy that puts allt hose others to shame, a guy that makes me realize how I should be treated and makes me realize that no other guy has treated me properlly, ive found a guy that actually cares and loves me despite my flaws and my quirks, so im in a really good place right now, ill be sure to keep you all posted.

and heres a few questions for all of you reading this
- Whos made the most difference in your life?
-Most meaningfull quote to you?
-what have you overcome? and howd you do it?

“Rape's not something where you just go, "Well, get over it" or "Believe in love and peace, my child, and it'll all be over." Well, fuck you, that isn't the answer. It's a great thought, OK, but you can go and stick crystals up your butt and get on with it. I'm all for love and peace, but that's not the side I work on. If somebody would talk about it, or worse, joke about it, I would be ready to kill. That's not healing. It was a very long time after that before I was able to be with anyone again. And it has never been the same as it was before"- Tori Amos

Dog's Eye View - Everything Falls Apart

2010-06-09T15:31:00.000-07:00

right now...

2010-06-09T15:29:00.000-07:00

So Its been 2 years since ive had a boyfriend, because those whole 2 years I spent focusing on my life and the trial. When I stopped looking all of a sudden this great guy popped into my life, I was so afraid to tell him about my past in fear that he wouldnt know how to handle it and he wouldnt like me because of it, but i told him and his reaction was all I could ever hope for. he told me that it doesnt change a thing, it just means that ive expierence a different kin dof life, and he said pasts liek that build character which must be why he likes me so much. So the fears I had been having about aguys reaction werent true in the least bit at least not when it came to him. Im just glad my life is being accepted and thing seem to be settling as normal as possible.

Its all over now!!

2010-06-02T14:37:00.000-07:00

so the last trial he plead guilty and got 1 year at ocj 5 years probation and life time as a sex offender,
im so glad for this closure to happen right now, its like as soon as a I graduate high school at the end of this month my whole life is going to be starting over and I cant wait for it.
Thanks to all of you that stuck by me and brought me up when everything else was pushing me down you guys are really what made me get through this.

Just because this is over doesnt mean Im going to stop posting on this blog, because the purpose of this bloh is for people to know that they can survive so ill keep everyone posted on my life from now on.
on that note my mom had her surgery for breast cancer a double masectomy and is doing great!!!

Once again thanks to all especially Barbara I really couldnt have gone through this all with out you youve pretty much renewed my faith in people :)
lots of love!!

just more updates...

2010-05-20T16:08:00.000-07:00

so Thursday the 27th is the plea date apparently if he pleas guilty then he will get a year in prison 6 months probation and life time registration as a sex offender, if he pleas not guilty then it goes to more trials, also on the 27th they are going to be reading my statement. so fingers crossed the shortest route is taken because im ready for this all to be over...

this friday...

2010-04-29T06:11:00.000-07:00

so this Friday might be the last trial, at least that is what the DA told my DAd, He said that if anything they will read my impact statement in court and then the judge will most likley make his decision, unless Dave trys to make a plea which tha DA said is the most likley thing to happen if he makes a plea he will recieve one year in prison anlong with 5 months probation and a life time sex offender title, which to me is a good thing because when they asked my recomended jail sentence I did suggest 1-2 years. im hoping that my statement will do some good allowing the judge and him to really know how my life has been affected. Just hoping the trial doesnt get postponed again...
Barbara is going to court for me this friday, so Once again THANKS SO MUCH!!
and ill try to keep everyone updated as much as possible.

updates

2010-04-05T14:06:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in a while but 2 weeks ago I got into a car accident with some friends while offroading in Holy JIm, the car spun out of control and slid into a ravine and then flipped over completley, it was a scary expierence but no one was seriously injured just scratches and bruises and a bit shaken up. any ways another pretrial with no results yet again but apparently Barbara found out after calling the DA's that apparently it could take a year for a case to get to a preliminary hearing where something might actually happen, or unless he pleads out, so still just waiting for something to come of this.

just waiting...

2010-03-09T09:37:00.000-08:00

I think waiting has to be the worst part, because you never know what's going to come from all of this, or even if it's worth it. basically no news and the next trial in April which is a long ways away. Ive recently been having some troubles with some asshole bringing up all of this shit from my past it's amazing that some people dont realize there are subjects that you dont bring up, and things you dont make fun of, I cant even fathom the idea that there are that ignorant of people out there but I guess there are alot of people like that out there and the best thing I or anyone can do is to just learn to deal with it and overcome it just liek everything else.

heres some quotes to help get by...

"The best thing you can do is realize that there is nothing wrong with you, and that it isn't your fault everything around you was the crazy part."

"Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no ones definition of your life; define yourself."~Harvey Fierstein

"You decide whether you look at your reality or live pretending these feelings don't exist." -Tori Amos

"YOU are the most important person you know."- courtesy of LceeL

A Book

2010-02-14T07:57:00.000-08:00

My mom suggestes i read this book its called Amy and Isabelleby Elizabeth Strout, it was kind of weird it was a book about a girl that went through some of the same stuff i'm going through and about how the mother daughter relationship is completley strained and changed after that, it was really good book, I related to it and Im pretty sure thats why my mom suggested it. I htink she wanted to show me that she doesnt mean to act the way she does but its impossible for relationships not to change after something that big.
its a really good read if your looking for a book in that category others might not like reading about rape situations but its a good book to relate too.
here's an excerpt from the book
"The real problem, of course, was that she and her mother were together all day. To Amy it seemed as though a black line connected them, nothing bigger than something drawn with a pencil, perhaps, but a line that was always there. Even if one of them left the room, went to the ladies' room or to the water fountain out in the hall, let's say, it didn't matter to the black line; it simply cut through the wall and connected them still. They did the best they could. At least their desks were far apart and didn't face each other."

ooh and trial was postponed to some time in April, pretty far away so who knows what that means. I'll keep all of you readers posted.

another postponment

2010-01-30T07:43:00.000-08:00

trial postponed again till Febuary 10th, due to paperwork erroe or something.
does any one know how many times you can postpone? it doesnt seem fair that him and his lawyer can bend things to work for him, and that he just gets to go on as though nothing happened.

Thanks again to Barbara for going to the trial.

just a short little bit of inspiration...

2010-01-25T15:18:00.000-08:00

well this friday is another trial lets hope my victim impact statement has left an impact on the judge.

I know I was born and I know that I'll die The in between is mine- from the song I AM MIne by Pearl Jam

im tired of gettin screwed over by people when I open myself up to trust them, imliving for me and for the ones that wont let me down.
found out my mom does have breast cancer :( but they said its very small and treatable let's hope it goes smoothly.
ill keep everyone update about the trial and what not, if any one has any questions or needs some one to talk to about a similar situation feel free to email me at occhopper77@yahoo.com

Updates on the trial.

2010-01-16T07:12:00.000-08:00

let's see mailed in my victim impact statement awhile ago, the last trial was on the 8th it was postponed till the 29th due to paperwprk issies or some thing like that. Barbara said that the judge is obviously getting sick of all these excuses and postponents, looks like something may happen soon i'll be sure to keep everyone updated.

The New Year

2010-01-02T12:14:00.000-08:00

I'm welcoming the New Year in with open arms, I feel like im over due for a good year( its been over 2 years) I'm ready to make it happen and I'm going to continue fighting untill there is absolutley nothing left I can do.

new years resolution is to continue the changes i've been making
what about you?

merry christmas

2009-12-24T07:34:00.000-08:00

So this year has gone by so fast and so many things have happened, I started this blog and I started to find myself again I hope everyone has a Great holiday and a happy new year.

cant wait for the New Year!

24 Hours of a Christmas story all Christmas Eve family tradition to watch it at least once every christmas

Speaking out

2009-12-20T07:34:00.000-08:00

(This is for my readers who are also survivors sometimes we need to just speak out)

In order to be healed survivors of rape and sexual abuse must come out of the isolation and hiding. It takes untold courage to open up; telling someone what happened to you can be frightening as often the pain of the violence removes also your ability to talk. Because rape is still considered a distasteful subject survivors of sexual abuse often suffer additional pain from the reactions of their friends and family. Their friends may be distant, minimize their pain or may even avoid them. People don't like discussing the subject of rape and may try to distance themselves from the event by blaming the victim. Perhaps they feel that if they can somehow place the blame on the victim, they will be invulnerable to rape themselves.

We are not taught how to deal with people that experience being victimized and most people do not speak out about rape for many years.
Don't Let Them Silence You
Often unintentionally upsetting comments are made by friends or relatives, those closest to you and whose opinion you value the most. Some people may tell you that you should stop feeling sorry for your self, or that you are not being positive. Maybe they can't see any reason why you should be depressed and think that you can just snap out of it. If you had to deal with these kinds of reactions you know how hurtful it is, you wish the ground could open up and swallow you. Whenever this happens, please take a long breath and remember that they are the ones with a problem, not you. Don't let them silence you. They simply don't understand because they've never had to deal with it.

Most survivors had to learn on their own how not to let what others say or do affect them in a negative way. In time, you may also come to realize that most people don’t intentionally mean to hurt you with their words. Some of them are just unprepared to deal with such sensitive and emotive issue and say things without considering the implications of their words or the deep impact that their comments could have on you.

Sure, some people's reaction is bound to hurt you but this doesn’t mean that you should give up on the idea of finding support and understanding in others. There are people out there who do understand. Finding comfort and support in a friend can touch your soul in a way that words can barely express. These kinds of friends are priceless. Just be cautious about who you confide in and reveal sensitive details to. Tell some one who you feel will be there for you, understand and support you. Breaking the silence it's the first step to recovery. Every time you break the silence and trust someone, you are one step farther in your recovery journey.
Remember, you did nothing wrong. Don't be silent. Speak.

what have you done not done

2009-12-16T17:49:00.000-08:00

If you have a blog, the idea is to copy it on to your blog and put an asterisk* next to each thing you have done. OR just leave a list in my comments. If you do it on your own blog please let us know.

*1. Started your own blog
*2. Slept under the stars
*3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
*5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyworld (does Disneyland count?)
*8. Climbed a mountain
*9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
*13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
*14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
*16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
*18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
*21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
*23. Taken a sick day when you're not ill
24. Built a snow fort
*25. Held a lamb
*26. Gone skinny dipping
*27. Run a marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
*29. Seen a total eclipse
*30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
*31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
*35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
*37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
*39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo's David
*41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
*45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
*47. Had your portrait painted - drawn I think that counts!
*48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
*51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
*52. Kissed in the rain
*53. Played in the mud
*54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
*58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
*62. Gone whale watching
*63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
*69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
*71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired/laid off from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
*78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
*84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
*88. Had chickenpox
*89. Saved someone's life
90. Sat on a jury
*91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
*93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
*95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
*97. Been involved in a law suit
*98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Seen Mount Rushmore in person
*101. Learned to play an instrument
102. Kissed the Blarney Stone
103. Ridden a camel
104. Been arrested (but not convicted!)
105. Visited someone in jail
*106. Flown a Kite
*107. Been surfing
*108. Had a broken heart
*109. Wished on a star
110. Fell off a horse

quotes for the week

2009-12-14T12:27:00.000-08:00

one step taken

2009-12-13T07:52:00.000-08:00

I finished filling out the impact form it took alot of effort but I got it all down thanks for the suggestions Barbara and LceeL they really helped i'll post the finished copy in a little bit once I get it all typed out...
having a bit of a tough time right now, my mom got a call about her mamogram result and there maybe something wrong I HOPE so badly there is not, but breast cancer runs in the family my moms mom had it, but got cured. keeping my fingers crossed and even though im not a religous person I know my mom is so im praying for her.

This weekend

2009-12-05T20:03:00.000-08:00

This Weeken I'm supposed to fill out my Victim Impact Statement. Basically stating how all of this has affected my family and I and what I wouls like to suggest as sentencing. I know what I want to say my I can't figure out how to start it yet. It's important though so I really need to get it down.

If any one has any expierence in writing this out or filling out one of these statements or just a suggestion on how to go about it, it would be greatly appreciated!

Just thoughts written out...

2009-12-02T18:39:00.000-08:00

I try really hard to not think about him unless absolutely necessary, but it is hard not to. Last year around this time ( October to march) wasn’t as hard to get by with. But as more time passes it’s like it starts to sink in more and I realize that there is no way to go back. It’s as if there isn’t a month free from reminders, to many things happened over that span of time. I want a break. I don’t want my mind to be trapped, its just that something always seems to trigger a buried memory and I’m back to it. This time of year causes triggers to rear their ugly heads and disturb the peacefulness that never seem to have the chance to stay.

These are the thoughts I’ve been needing and wanting to get out.

Another fear keeps on clouding my thoughts and I don’t know if it will come to light. This has been in my mind since the beginning, what happens when I fall for a guy that doesn’t know what I’ve been through. I know it makes me who I am. I understand that some people may not get that the pain of my past isn’t me, my reaction my decision on how to deal with that pain well that IS ME. What if I cant find some one that truly excepts that and wants me past and all. Should I even risk telling some one due to what their reaction might be. This is a stupid irrational fear I know. But it is a fear just the same. Maybe someday some one or something will cause me to rid my mind of this fear. I just want some one to prove that I’m wrong, that it’s not going to be hard to find that guy, the guy that doesn’t mid and actually understands.

Right now I know times are tough but I know it has to pass, and I know my doubts will pass along with it.

Happy Thanksgiving...

2009-11-26T07:45:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone. Its not really the time of year that I enjoy but I am thankful for many things.

Im thankful for My Family, my twin sister for being so close when I need her, my dad for understanding everything and my mom little sis and brother for staying.

Im thankful for the justice system (though it moves so slow)

Im thankful for forgivness and understanding.

For the people that read this blog.

For the friends ive made, for the people that have been in my shoes they give me hope.

for the kindness of people ive never met (thanks Barbara)

for the ability to change and turn my life around.

for the want to change.

there are so many more things but I can list them all.

What are you thankful for?

blogger award

2009-11-21T16:53:00.000-08:00

The rules are as follows:

1. Thank whoever gave this to you

2. Copy award

3. Post it in your blog

4. Tell us 7 things that your readers don’t know about you

5. Link 7 new bloggers

6. Notify winners of the award with a comment on their blog

7. Keep being awesome!

Thanks to Barbara for giving this to me i'd like to pass it on to...

LceeL http://gsp-shadow.blogspot.com/
Sarah http://www.cultofdeception.blogspot.com/
Two Hours before http://twohoursbefore.blogspot.com/
Dad And Mom http://parentsofanaddict.blogspot.com/
Barbara http://barbara-007.blogspot.com/
Sydney http://ashesjustlookprettyonyoureyes.blogspot.com/
Syeera _ No link

lets see 7 things people dont know about me

1. Most of my followers probably don't know that im a twin.
2. I love meeting new people and talking to them and sharing points of view if you want to share just say something.
3. I owe how strong I am today to some people On this website thanks Barbara.
4. I spend most of my time dirt bike riding and in the desert.
5. I wouldn't be as understanding of a person if it wasn't for the shit ive had to deal with in my past.
6. I have a messed up knee that gives out at random times mostly when im going up the stairs I also have several concentrations of calcified blood in my shin.
7. I had a cervical cancer/ HPV scare and it really changed my out look on how I live my life( thank god im okay now)

Rape victim bill of rights

2009-11-20T16:28:00.000-08:00

found this on a site http://www.dancinginthedarkness.com/

the rape victim(survivor) bill of rights

As a Matter of Personal AUTHORITY, You Have the Right ...

...to manage your life according to your own values and judgment

...to direct your recovery, answerable to no one for your goals, effort, or progress

...to gather information to make intelligent decisions about your recovery

...to seek help from a variety of sources, unhindered by demands for exclusivity

..to decline help from anyone without having to justify the decision

..to have faith in your powers of self restoration -- and to seek allies who share it

...to trust allies in healing as much as any adult can trust another, but no more

...to be afraid and to avoid what frightens you

...to decide for yourself whether, when, and where to confront your fear

...to learn by experimenting, that is, to make mistakes.

For the Preservation of Personal BOUNDARIES, You Have the Right ...
...to be touched only with your permission, and only in ways that are comfortable

...to choose to speak or remain silent, about any topic or at any moment

...to choose to accept or decline feedback, suggestions, or interpretations

...to ask for help in healing, without having to accept help with work, play, or love

...to challenge any crossing of your boundaries

...to take appropriate action to end any trespass that does not cease when challenged.

I was just thinking...

2009-11-18T18:57:00.000-08:00

I want to get to that point again were my parents have complete trust in me, I know they have no reason for them to trust me except for the fact that I have changed and I wnat them to understand thatits been 2 years I want to get to that point but I understand they may need more time. It is just so hard to have the ones you care about the most look at you in that way. I hope it turns around my dad has excepted it more thanmy mom I wnat her to get to that point...

just thinking about it all right now kind of tough to take it in its just so heavy.

another NOT TRIAL

2009-11-13T15:31:00.000-08:00

Trial got postponed today again till January 8th lets hope somthing happens next time
the court system sucks and im so pissed about all of this to many thoughts right now to even write right now...

Busy

2009-11-09T14:05:00.000-08:00

This week should be really busy and crazy on friday the 13th there is going to be another trial, but Barbara said shed go and be my ears again so massive loads of thanks!!
and this sunday the 15th is my Birthday so at least I have that to look forward to going to disneyland and truning 17. its crazy when you think about how much time has actually passed since all of that happened...
I'm going to try and keep it a good week.

Questions For You...

2009-11-04T16:30:00.000-08:00

hey everyone so this blog is to let everyone know and understand how I deal and cope with all of this shit.

My question for all of you are,
How do you guys deal with your problems and your past what are your coping strategies I'd love to have everyone share there stories and how they cope.

so come on and share!!

Halloween

2009-10-31T07:53:00.000-07:00

so this was the night not last halloween but the one before that this is when it all happened its crazy to think about I mean its been over a year, in march it will be two years its good but all that means is im going to have to go through alot more anniverseries like the night we met,the first time we had sex, the day he asked me to be his girlfriend, the day he got caught, and the day he was arrested, the day the newspaper article was released, and hopefully one day the day he was sentenced to jail....

its halloween though so at least alot will be going on to take my mind away from all of this.

All of you have a HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

today...

2009-10-23T18:16:00.000-07:00

Not feeling to well today its partially because im sick and also because yesterday was horrible I don't know what happened but I just let down my guard and let all of these thoughts come flooding back im collecting it all back but its getting hard. I keep on thinking what would have happened if he didn't get caught would I still be stuck in his lies not knowing any better. I don't know where these thoughts are exactley coming from but its making me feel sick. hopefully this weekend will be a good recovery emotionaly and physically. I've just got to build it all back up, and im going to be fine im pretty sure of it.

quotes of the week

2009-10-18T07:12:00.000-07:00

not stressing out

2009-10-17T07:41:00.000-07:00

Yesterday my sister was talking to me about how she was stressing out about some class and she couldn't stop thinking about it. Then she told me I can't believ how youv'e dealt with all of this thats going on with you with out losing it, like she couldn't believe it wasn't on my mind all the time and that I was actually able to sleep. I guess for her even the littlest thing makes her loose grasp on everything else. She was telling me that if she was in my shoes she wouldn't be able to handle it.
I know that for my sister and everyone else in my immediate family it must be hard dealing with all of this even just second hand. Im glad that ive found the strength and people to get me through this i'm strong and im going to be even stronger when this ends just wait and see.

Sometimes it's the people that have gone through there lives expeirencing all the shit that no one thinks will ever happen, Some times these people with the tough life expierence are the ,most unbreakable people you will ever meet. Im going to be one of those people and im going to help others get there.

It can be hard to cope sometimes but when I feel myself slipping I think of my sister and what she said that she cant believe how strong I am and it reminds me to h ld on because I WANT TO STAY THAT UNBELIEVABLE PERSON.

quotes for the week

2009-10-09T15:44:00.000-07:00

today was another "trial"

2009-10-02T14:45:00.000-07:00

but it got postponed again...

thanks so much to Barbara (Layla) for going to be my eyes it ment alot you really are a true friend even though I havent met you in person...

i'll post Barbara's findings and notes on here so here they are....
VVVthis is the email she sent me about the trialVVV

I wish I had more to tell you on this, it was another one of those quick things before a judge to post-pone it AGAIN. This time to Nov. 13 (I think, maybe 12 - I wrote it down).
I'll just give you the play by play:
I arrive to the courtroom, its huge compared to the one Keven appears in. I find a seat on the side that allows me to be close to the action and to be able to see everyone in the room. I try to pick him out, having only a vague idea of what he looks like. None of the men in their looked like they could be him, one guy was close so I kept watching him but it was not him.
Somehow David slipped in when I was not looking and sat two rows in front of me. I knew it was him because his attorney came up and INTRODUCED himself which means its a NEW attorney....strange but doesn't necessarily mean anything.
Ok, I have to say this: he is very cute and looked VERY YOUNG. There is no way on earth I would have thought he was over 25 tops! He was wearing a brown tweed jacket and beige dress pants.
When his name was called the attorney asked for a coninuance of the pre-trial and that was it. I was so disappointed. BUT...
I followed them out of the courtroom. I got out my cell phone (which was off) and pretended to be listening to voice mails while pacing back and forth about two feet in front of them as they sat on a bench and talked. I couldn't believe I had the guts to do that but I was determined and lots of people step into the hall to use their phone. Unfortunately it was so NOISY I could only pick up a few words and phrases and from that this is what I learned:
They are going to try and plea some sort of mental or psychological problem that caused him to have this behavior to get him off the hook. I know, it made me want to take off my shoe and smack him in the face with the heel end.
I heard him ask "is she calling you?" and assumed he meant you but am not sure. David's voice was much quieter than the lawyer (old guy) so I could not hear anything he said, only one side of the conversation.
I heard the attorney asking him about his counseling appointments and he said something like "i don't like the idea that your seeing a psychologist, a psychiatrist would be better I suggest you get on that right away". I also heard the attorney say "sure, if you want to bring your family with you that always looks good". I am not sure if he meant wife and kids or parents because a few minutes later when the talk was over David's dad and mom came over and introduced themselves to the attorney.
I was dying to follow them as they walked out but that would have been too much cause David started to look nervous that this woman (me) was pacing around in front of him. I did walk down the other set of stairs in hopes of casually running into them again. I will have to wear a disguise next time in case he remembers me as the "lurking woman" (I doubt he will).
I am sorry there is not more to tell but it was a brief conversation and I could only pull out words.

ill continue to keep all of you reading this posted if you are interested
thanks for reading
-Carrie

trial

2009-09-27T07:42:00.000-07:00

the next pre trial is coming up, on October 2nd to be exact. around this time I start to get really nervous and easily angry I already have some what of an anger issue which I will admit , and usually I can control it. but around this t ime I have so much going on in my head its hard to keep it in check.
Ive been quitting smoking recently which is very hard because everytime another trial comes up I break it and have one. its probably not the best idea to quit in such a stressful situation but I only smoke on the days of the trials now so at least im improving...
dam I could go for a cigarette right now, anyways he's pleaded not guilty on all acts for the first 2 trials so I don't know whats going to happen in this one, probably the prosecuter will start releasing the evidence to the court. I haven't gone to court I want to so that I can say all that happened and help in putting him away. but I don't think they will have me testify unless it is taken to a jury.
I feel a bit stronger knowing that at least the court system is moving along no matter how slowly its moving.

when I find out more ill keep you all updated, thanks for reading I feel good knowing theres people out there who want to listen.

Nightmares (triggers!)

2009-09-21T13:56:00.000-07:00

Warning the following stories are very graphic and may cause triggers.

These nightmares are significant to me because I never remember dream but I remember these to the very last detail…

Its really incredible how you mind can create these fictional stories or nightmares that can hurt you physically mentally, it truly is mind over matter. Who better to know your fears or how to hurt you the most then you yourself…
It had to be the absolutely the worst dream ever- aside from the one similar to it- Brian and I were walking down some remote street on a worn cracked side walk- I was telling Brian that he had been right Dave was a creeper. Dave’s voice came out of no where “Hey Gorgeous” “ I missed you” then Dave jumped onto Brian Cussing at him and then and stabbing him as he did, then he stood “ I never like you with him” I made a move to run but he wouldn’t have it, he was on top of me. As he had been so many times before, except I had changed I dint want it. Out of no where we were in a car such a familiar place for us to have done it, instead of leather seats cushioning everything felt rock hard a cold metal death trap, a prison. He acted like he always had, same as before I knew his secrets.
“ I love you- I want you so bad Carrie- you feel so good” harder thrusts, sweating he pulled back with a slightly sinicle smile. He kissed my lips gently “ I love you babe” then he killed me same as he had done to Brian. My cries were muffled with the sounds of his cursing , interrupted by mutters of “ gorgeous”.

I woke up sick to my stomach that was the same night I had found all of this out the night it all came to light. I couldn’t sleep at all after that, from 1 am till 6am I cried silently , angrily and non stop

So I though I had gotten over it the calmness made me blind, I had another dream not as gruesome as the first but some how it hurt worse.

I was in a car I had no Idea who was driving and it seemed like no one else was there, a white car drove next to us the only to cars on the road. Inside the other car I saw Dave, as if nothing was wrong no case, no jail time nothing he wore a black shirt with purple pinstripes and sunglasses what had been my favorite outfit of his, some how it fit so perfectly in my mind. In the passenger seat was a girl about 3 or 4 years old dark brown hair and blue eyes like his. I heard myself screaming “ he has a kid” tears of panic streamed down my face burning as they fell this was my worst fear realized. I had contributed to ruining his life so what he in some ways deserved it , but a child would never fully understand what had happened.

The dream caused my body to ache I woke from it cheeks wet I had been crying a real response to the fake story my mind had created to hurt me. Once again I lay awake crying till 6 that morning the rest of the day I felt nothing but numb aching pain.

nightmares

2009-09-18T13:37:00.000-07:00

this weekend im going to post the nightmare Ihad the same night all of this came to light its going to be graffic but its important, I never remeber my dreams but this nightmare along with one another have stuck in my mind in great detail, so stay tuned to hear it...

quotes to help get through it

2009-09-13T08:07:00.000-07:00

first day of senior year

2009-09-10T14:55:00.001-07:00

wow first day of senior year it was crazy but im glad school started itll keep my mind occupied and stop me from thinking about all of this shit all of the time. it was great seeing how different everyone looks from just not seeing them for the summer, itll be a good year.

Regret I do have it

2009-09-08T08:03:00.001-07:00

this is a response to a comment that some one posted and id liek to clear up,

LceeL,

I live with the results of my mistake everyday there isnt a day that goes by were I dont regret what happended and how I let it happen and agreed for it to happen, but ive learned regreting it isnt going to change anything its just going to keep my life on hold and I want to get past that point, yes I understand that I agreed im sorry that I ever did... But regreting every mistake is a waste of time and a burden on me.

PTSD

2009-09-06T14:04:00.003-07:00

I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, I wish I didn’t but I do.

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and look out the window expecting to see his car out there like it used to be, when I wake up in the middle of the night from honking I panic I feel like its him but of course its not its just the neighbors. I get this kind of flushed feeling when I see a silver mustang convertible ( his car) only the silver ones do this to me my heart start beating so freakin fast, I hate that car that car is way to common. And sometimes I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach it only happens in places I went with him and it only happens when I think I see him its never actually him but the fears still there. Subconsciously I know that chances are slim that im ever going to see him and chances are even slimmer that he’s going to do anything to me, but the fear is still there churning at the bottom of my stomach. Its gotten better I used to not be able to walk past this one store without completely losing it im a strong person but sometimes this stuff gets to me I’m learning to control it I don’t want it to interfere with my life.

I CAN BEAT THIS, I AM STRONGER THEN THIS, I CAN, AND I WILL…..

I found this quote and hey its true for everyone

2009-09-06T08:13:00.001-07:00

heres the article from the paper about it my guy was DAVID COURTNEY BROWN

2009-09-05T08:59:00.001-07:00

3 O.C. men arrested in child sex crimes cases
Task force investigating crimes against children announces arrests.
By JON CASSIDY
THE ORANGE COUNTY REGISTER
Comments 68 Recommend 14
SANTA ANA – Three Orange County men have been arrested on suspicion of sex crimes involving minors.
The Sexual Assault Felony Enforcement team, or SAFE, a multi-agency task force that investigates crimes against children, announced this morning the arrest of David Brown, 34, of Lake Forest; Richard Chaney, 23, Costa Mesa; and Brock Jackson, 21, of Rancho Santa Margarita.
Brown is accused of having a four-month-long sexual relationship with a 15-year-old girl he met online.
Chaney is accused of having a 14-year-old girl engage in live video sex acts, and of later having sex with her. He is also accused of raping another woman who was unconscious.Jackson is accused of possessing hundreds of videos and about 6,000 images of child pornography.
Chaney and Jackson are being charged in federal court.
Brown is being charged in Orange County Superior Court sex acts with a minor. He surrendered to authorities Wednesday, and is free on a $100,000 bail bond.
Brown came to the attention of law enforcement after he was found on a high school campus trying to talk to the girl, officials said. The investigation found that Brown had portrayed himself as a 22-year-old on a social networking Web site, and used the Internet to chat with high school girls, police said.
Chaney was arrested June 5 after the mother of a 14-year-old girl told authorities that her daughter had performed sexual acts in front of her Webcam for Chaney, and that Chaney had later slept with her, officials said.
A search of Chaney's apartment uncovered a video of him having sex with an unconscious woman, said David Baroway, a special agent supervisor with the California Department of Justice.
Baroway said there were also other illegal videos in the apartment, but declined to say whether they involved Chaney.
In December 2008, Fullerton police were investigating a vehicle theft, and discovered that the man they suspected in that crime, Jackson, had child pornography on his computer, Baroway said.
The hundreds of videos and roughly 6,000 photos of child pornography included images of children who were "very, very young," Baroway said.
Jackson was arrested this morning by the Fullerton Police Department.
Authorities released photos of Brown and Chaney in hopes that any possible victims would contact them. The SAFE team can be reached at its FBI offices at 714-542-8825 or 310-477-6565.
The SAFE team comprises investigators from multiple federal and state agencies, district attorney's offices and police and sheriff's departments. The team is funded, housed, and operated by the FBI.
The arrests were announced this morning at a news conference at the Orange County Sheriff’s Department

MY STORY HERE IT IS

2009-09-05T08:57:00.000-07:00

Okay I am ready to do this. Get this out there here’s the full story.
It happened when I was 15. It started with my sister being friended on myspace by some guy we didn’t know, but we agreed to meet him around the lake by our house, when we met him my sister and him didn’t really seem to hit it off, but he and I did (probably because I get along with just about everyone) I had called the guy I was seeing at the time who I will for privacy sake call Brian, anyways we all hung out around the lake drinking with me sitting between Brians legs. It got later and my sister and I had to go, A couple of days later I got A friend request from him his name is Dave, Telling me how he had a great time talking to me and how much he liked me, that he was jealous watching Brian and I flirt that day. So then I started seeing Dave, I would sneak out of my house almost every night, he brought me flowers that fist night and that second night we had sex.
We started getting really close after that wed always find a way to talk or see each other, I would ditch school and call him to come and get me. Then he and I would drive around sometimes stopping to hook up or go places like the mall.
Then came Christmas I remember exactly what he gave me a bottle of jack daniels, a zippo, and a nug f weed. All of this kept going on through the months after Christmas, some times he would call me and tell me he was going to stop by my school at lunch and I would meet him and blow off the rest of my classes to take a long lunch ( which never consisted of lunch just of us hooking up) wed have a quickee , and on most days I would get to school early in the morning and meet him in the plaza by my school, we would usually have sex or something of that nature then he would drive me to school usually in time to be a half an hour late to my first class. This went on through Valentines day (which included another exchange of alcohol and cigarettes, along with flowers and a balloon)
　
Any ways then came March, this was THE month. Dace came to my school at lunch with out calling me to tell me so I had no idea, my friend pointed him out and was like “ Hey isn’t that your boyfriend”. he came over and kissed me then a campus security guard drove up and brought him to the office ( you cant be on campus with out a pass). They questioned him, and my friend and I were hiding down the hall from the office I started crying blaming myself that he was going to get in trouble. Then in my class after lunch some one from the office came and got me she asked me how old I though he was I replied 22 she said well your going to be surprised I asked her what she meant she told me he was 31.
My heart fell in to my stomach and bile rose in my throat. They had me wait in the office and my dad came they had the sheriff call Daves cell phone ( he had been released because they didn’t have anything to keep him for yet) the sheriff told him that I didn’t want to see him again and to stay away from me and that he would personally go after him if he didn’t. after that the told me what they had found out.
He was 31, 31 and married, it turns out he lived about 3 or 4 blocks away from my house in some apartments. The sheriff asked me all the standard questions then let me go home he later came tom my house to pick up my computer to find evidence. The next day at school I had to talk to an investigator I told him everything in even more detail then what I am saying now. In the days to follow we would be updated they broke down his door and arrested him, they found over 40 hard drives in his house ( which led them to believe he was involved in child porn). When they arrested him he waived his right to be silent and told them what ever I said he did he did.
Its more than a year later trials are still going on he’s out at the moment on bail which is a terrifying thought. At the moment he is pleading not guilty to every charge…
Well that’s it that pretty much my story it took so much for me to write this all down, and someday maybe I can share what im going through now at the moment the nightmares and the post traumatic stress, but for now im proud of getting myself this far…

okay

2009-09-04T22:08:00.001-07:00

im starting this blog do get it all out all the shit thats happend in my life and it needs to be said from rape to drugs to alcohol i want to start sharing and hopefully itll help, hopefully itll help others that read this...